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Why I'm now forced to pretend Benny f**king Hill's hilarious, by a gammon

AS A gammon, I can’t be seen laughing at right-on lefties. Instead I enjoy dolly birds with big knockers and Indian men with bad English. Stuff that’s naturally funny. 

So I was exultant when The Benny Hill Show came back, as two fingers to the woke brigade, and trumpeted about it online. I was really looking forward to it until I watched it.

I tuned in last night, after finding the bastard miles down past BBC ALBA, and settled in with a pot of tea for a non-politically correct festival of hilarity. Only to find that it was a load of old shit.

The stuff I dimly remembered from four decades ago was there – scantily clad lovelies, speeded-up film. But I’d forgotten those sketches where they chase Benny around a park or a hospital go on for bloody months when you’re not five years old.

I also felt uncomfortable at how weirdly sexually dysfunctional Benny’s character was, hinting at early psychological trauma. Even the famous Yakety Sax gave me a migraine.

Well they weren’t all gold, I told myself, buttering a crumpet. The good stuff must be later on. But it was all bollocks. Benny doing dismally unfunny songs. Benny getting everything wrong at a health farm, looking dangerously unfit.

I’d assumed that pissing off liberals was automatically great comedy, but no. And now I’ve insisted friends come over for a Benny Hill marathon. I might slip earbuds in and listen to an audiobook.

This is just like when I went on about how great and not sexist the Two Ronnies were and got bought that box-set. Fifty quid it cost and I’ve still got 71 hours of shit wordplay to get through.

'The prime minister is not on crystal meth, not confused about which country he lives in and was not in the rose garden with his cock out at 3am'

AFTER issuing a categorical denial that Boris Johnson is unwell and losing his grip, a Downing Street spokesman has issued a further, more specific denial. 

Responding to questions from journalists, the spokesman confirmed that any speculation that the prime minister had arrived at the Bank of England with a sack demanding that staff ‘fill the f**ker up and fast’ was absolute nonsense.

The spokesman continued: “Boris Johnson is in great form. He is never found wearing a child’s nightshirt, smeared in mud, telling Nanny he had a terrible nightmare where he was king.

“Stories that Johnson called Russia blind drunk at 3am, asking what secrets will buy him a passport and a dacha by the sea, are unverifiable and from a single untrustworthy source.

“There are no drug dealers arriving at the back door at all hours, shooting him up with narcotic cocktails, and leaving with national art treasures tucked under their arms as payment. The mobile phone video where he says ‘I can see time!’ is fake.

“If he has soiled his trousers it is because he is working so hard for a better Britain. Notes passed to visiting heads of state reading ‘plees help me’ are jokes. He is not afraid of either numbers or the wallpaper watching him.

“In short, everything is absolutely fine and the prime minister is hale and hearty. He’d tell you himself if he wasn’t currently indisposed. Ignore that howling. A dog got in.”