It's only the racism keeping me voting Tory, admits 77-year-old

AN elderly woman who will lose her house under new plans for social care said she only votes Conservative because of their long-standing commitment to racism. 

Margaret Gerving is staying loyal to the Tories despite their social care plan, the suspension of the triple lock on pensions and their abandonment of all moral principles as long as they keep up the Islamophobia and demonisation of immigrants that she loves.

Gerving said: “I’ve been voting Conservative ever since 1968, when good old Enoch made his ‘Rivers of Blood’ speech. I backed Brexit and was thrilled by Theresa May’s hostile environment.

“But I’m bit worried about the party lately. Higher taxes, green policies, locking us in our homes. It’s all very Marxist. And where’s the prejudice?

“The only thing I’ve still got in common with them is a hatred of people who aren’t from round here. And for that reason they can take my home and they’ll still have my vote.

“All I’ll have to keep me warm in the care home is my visceral hatred of foreigners. But that’s so strong that it could power a small village.”

She added: “I did consider backing that Farage fella, but he’s got a very dark complexion. My husband used to say it was just the nicotine, but I’m not so sure.”

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Five legitimate reasons not to get out of bed this morning

YOUR alarm has just gone off. Here’s why you’re absolutely justified in ignoring it: 

It’s bloody freezing

You’re snuggled up under a soft, 12-tog duvet while your house is so cold it could preserve meats. Trying to leave the bed would be like going from a sauna to an icy plunge pool and could stop your heart instantly. Turning off snooze is just your natural survival instincts from palaeolithic times.

You’d have to get dressed

Dragging yourself into a standing position is only the first painful step. There’s so much that’s worse that comes after. Dousing yourself in water, working yourself dry, yanking fabric over your limbs, ramming burnt toast into your mouth while searching for keys. It’s unreasonable to expect anyone to do that, and you’re prepared to argue your case.

Nobody would mind

Seriously, if you didn’t, who would care? We all stayed home during the pandemic and the world kept turning. Your colleagues would happily skip a day of your bullshit, your partner doesn’t want to see your scowling face, your kids would give not a shit if told to get their own breakfast and forget school. You’d be doing it for them. You’re an altruist.

Nothing beats bed

Bed is the superhero of places to be. You can wank, doze, fart at will, eat cereal, watch Gogglebox, imagine yourself being on Gogglebox while watching Gogglebox, wank again. Where else can you shift so comfortably between these stellar activities? What is there out there that’s better?

You hate your life

Stop and think for a moment. What are you actually getting up for? An average day is full of shitty things like tangled headphones and decisions about what to have for lunch. Rolling over and drifting back to sleep is loving yourself and putting yourself first, like Adele and Meghan Markle say you should. F**k the alarm. You’re staying in bed.