10 overawed, often sexual, reactions when people read 'Sent from my iPhone'

IT’S hard to underestimate the impact of telling people you’re a big swinging dick who sends messages from an iPhone. Here’s what impressed recipients think, in their own words.

Rob Kendall, Uttoxeter: ‘People with iPhones are successful, witty and always in demand by women. That’s the sort of guy I want to be friends with. Friends who have sex sometimes.’

Esha Khatri, Woking: ‘iPhone users are just so popular! It can be exhausting going out with one because people are constantly wanting to talk to them or shake their hand. You will go out with them though, because they’ve got a brilliant 12 megapixel camera.’

Nikki Hollis, Basingstoke: ‘The words ‘Sent from my iPhone’ instantly make me wet and uncontrollably sluttish. I just want to have unprotected sex with that person there and then, irrespective of age, weight or looks. And all my friends are the same, especially the ones who look like models.’

Tom Logan, Widnes: ‘An iPhone says alpha male, leader of men, apex predator. You can bet they’re dead hard and never lose a fight. That’s why so many of them moonlight for the SAS.’ 

Jacob Harman, Stockwell: ‘I really respect anyone whose phone has a decent battery life, and that’s iPhone 14 users to a tee. I wish I could be like them, but I don’t see how that could ever be possible.’

Fergus McCrory, Airdrie: ‘iPhone users have a better moral compass than ordinary people. They donate more than they can really afford to Amnesty and give homeless people the money for a hostel. If you see someone tenderly nursing an injured bird back to health, they’ve probably got an iPhone X.’

Annabelle Usher, Richmond: ‘iPhone users lead a life of boardroom meetings, private jets and unimaginable luxury. They’re like Christian Grey without the fisting, although I could live with that if they’ve got an iPhone.’

Dr Simon Hawkins, Cambridge: ‘iPhone users are invariably intellectuals. With their intimate knowledge of art, culture and philosophy what they say often goes over my head, but I still like to meet them because just being in their presence raises your IQ by 40 points.’

Rachel Cavendish-Jones, Edinburgh: ‘People will hate me for saying this, but I only date guys who can give me a certain lifestyle. If a man’s so rich he’s got 200 quid to spend on a reconditioned iPhone 11, then it’s non-stop blowjobs until I get a wedding ring.’ 

Charlotte Phelps, Crewe: ‘iPhone users have reached a higher plane of existence and are transcendent beings of light. Obviously the reverse is true of people with Samsung Galaxys and Sony Xperias. They are human effluent and should be exterminated with extreme prejudice.’

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Do You Really Want to Hurt Me: Songs you didn't realise were so f**king narcissistic until you thought about it

MUSIC may be the food of love, but it’s also fuel for passive-aggressive controlling behaviour. Take these popular hits with sinister narcissistic undertones…

Do You Really Want to Hurt Me – Culture Club, 1982

‘Do you really want to hurt me? Do you really want to make me cry?’ Some heavy emphasis on the ‘me me me’ there. It’s basically four-and-a-half minutes of George apportioning blame, whining on and feeling sorry for himself. It’s probably your fault he’s had to handcuff you to a wall.

Lady In Red – Chris de Burgh, 1986

Does she have a name, Chris? Or is that irrelevant in your eyes so long as she’s got a sexy bit of kit on? ‘I have never seen that dress you’re wearing’ he says as if he’s been keeping a close eye on what she wears in front of other blokes. And ‘There’s nobody here/ It’s just you and me’ is definitely a red flag to match your dress. Get the f**k out of there, love, before it turns into a scene from Misery.

Back For Good – Take That, 1995

‘Whatever I said, whatever I did, I didn’t mean it.’ Clearly nobody told Gary Barlow that if you want a half-baked non-apology to sound sincere, it’s advisable to at least find out what you’re saying sorry for. Gary continues his manipulative bleating with ‘Whenever I’m wrong, just tell me the song/ And I’ll sing it’. Honestly mate, we’d rather you didn’t bother.

9 to 5 – Sheena Easton, 1981

The one that goes: ‘My baby takes the morning train/ He works from nine to five and then/ He takes another home again/ To find me waitin’ for him.’ Apart from the fact that he’s keeping a roof over their heads while Sheena’s sitting on her arse watching This Morning, it’s got disturbing possessive overtones. Hastily retitled Morning Train because of the Dolly Parton song, it should have been called Have You Been Sleeping with That Slag Kelly at Work?

Baby It’s Cold Outside – Frank Loesser, 1944

Either a charming Christmas classic, or possibly an abduction attempt, no one is sure. Loesser originally wrote it as a fun song to perform at parties with his then wife Lynn Garland, but it’s actually an increasingly tense scenario: ‘My mother will start to worry/ My father will be pacing the floor/ So really I’d better scurry’. Probably a good idea to check he hasn’t double-deadlocked the front door, hun. And he’s really making a big deal of how chilly it is. Time to get an Uber.

A Little Respect – Erasure, 1988

Cheeky chubby chappy Andrew Bell was clearly never taught that respect is something to be earned, not demanded. ‘What religion or reason/ Could drive a man to forsake his lover?’ he asks. Have you stopped to consider they might just not be that into you? No, of course you haven’t, because it’s all about you. If anyone deserves respect it’s Vince Clarke. He writes all the songs and doesn’t even get to dance around because he’s stuck behind a keyboard.