Too early to tell if woman's nose ring is cool or a red flag

IT is too early to tell if a woman’s nose ring is a sign she is really cool or a warning to not even think about a relationship with her.

Nikki Hollis has caused widespread confusion due to her nose piercing, which could either indicate a chill, 420-type person or a batshit mess of toxic personality traits.

Onlooker Stephen Malley said: “She hasn’t got dreadlocks which is a good start, but she hasn’t said anything yet either. This could go either way.

“With nothing else to go on, there’s a 50/50 chance the nose ring is a symbol of her free, independent spirit, or a warning that she’s going to accuse me of gaslighting her over a minor difference of opinion. I don’t know whether to fancy her or be terrified of her.

“Does she live on a houseboat, work in the media and entertain the idea of threesomes? Or does she bring up imaginary grievances during arguments and never take accountability for her bullshit? F**k, she might be into crystals. It’s impossible to tell.

“Perhaps if I stare at her nose ring intently the answers will reveal themselves. She’ll either tell me about its fascinating backstory or call me an objectifying pig. Doesn’t matter which, it’d just be nice to have some clarity.”

Hollis said: “You’ll have to embark on a two-year relationship with me to find out. Want to risk it?”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

We've allowed old lady another chance, Gen Z generously confirm

YOUNG people have kindly given nice old lady Sophie Ellis-Bextor another chance at pop success.

Today’s teenagers have credited themselves with re-popularising the elderly singer who no one would otherwise have heard of.

Ellie Shaw, 15, said: “As a music connoisseur it’s my duty to search out obscure artists and share them with the world. How else would anyone have found out about Murder on the Dancefloor?

“Unlike my parents, I don’t just mindlessly listen to whatever manufactured bands the radio tells them to, like Massive Attack or the Clash. I’m constantly checking my TikTok feed for challenging new acts the algorithm already knows I’ll like.

“It’s a shame niche artists like Sophie get overlooked, but until now there was just no way of her connecting with a mainstream audience. She’s really old too, so there won’t be loads of men watching her on TV even if they don’t give a shit about the music.

“It reminds me of those talent shows where they let a granny do a song before she’s too senile. I’d love to see Sophie’s wrinkled face when one of her grandchildren tell her she’s on the radio.

“We did the same thing for Kate Bush recently too. I hope she looks back on her five minutes of fame fondly. Although she’s probably dead by now.”