19 emergency alerts that the Daily Mail would consider acceptable

THE Daily Mail is outraged that its readers will receive a text on their phones on Sunday, but would find these alerts absolutely necessary:

* ALERT Transgender rights mentioned in nice grammar school *

* ALERT House prices fall by 0.2 per cent in Home Counties *

* ALERT Meghan’s new podcast contains quote that could be interpreted as derogatory to Kate, at a stretch * 

* ALERT Kate looking just delightful in £1,800 dress, lifting all our hearts *

* ALERT New Beergate evidence emerges – will Starmer finally face justice? *

* ALERT Immigrants! IMMIGRANTS!!! *

* ALERT Benefits claimant experiences moment of joy YOU paid for *

* ALERT Why does the BBC refuse to repeat this long-forgotten 1970s sitcom featuring blackface and racial slurs? *

* ALERT Lower-class women getting drunk in provincial cities on Friday evenings – upskirt shots *

* ALERT Boris sighted near Westminster – is the long-awaited comeback finally on? *

* ALERT Do you think it looks like Kylie Jenner has had surgery in this specific photo? *

* ALERT Someone somewhere knocking Brexit *

* ALERT Are you running dangerously low on vitriol and loathing for your fellow man? Read Sarah Vine *

* ALERT Homeworker spends FIVE MINUTES making themself CUP of TEA *

* ALERT Hypocritical left-wing activist attended £40,000-a-term private school *

* ALERT We’ve come up with a new reason you should hate Philip Schofield and this time hear us out *

* ALERT The latest scandal rocking Britain – libraries give books to poor people for FREE *

* ALERT Part-time traffic reporter on BBC Radio Solent receives parking fine in yet another reason to scrap licence fee *

* ALERT They’re coming for YOU and they want all your THINGS. Vote Conservative *

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Seven casual shags that still make you wince when you think about them

CASUAL sex is rarely the no-strings, guilt-free fun it’s meant to be. Here are some of the regrettable sexual liaisons you’d happily erase from your memory.

You just didn’t fancy them

The un-PC truth is that the person was not very attractive. The boot’s been on the other foot enough times so it’s okay to say that. The sex was joyous for no one, but if you’ve ever wondered how the uggos on Channel 5 shows called Obese and On Benefits work up the motivation to mechanistically pork each other, your curiosity is sated.

Very pissed one-night stand

The level of pissed that causes complete amnesia about their name the next day. Jim? Steve? Zebedee? So much can go wrong here, and it does: puking up over a sink full of dishes in their flat; incredibly frustrating foreplay with a penis the consistency of blancmange; an atmosphere the next morning slightly more toxic than filling the room with nerve gas. Even amazing sex wouldn’t have been worth it, and yours was crap.

Taking advantage of someone clearly on the rebound

You bastard. You saw an emotionally vulnerable person and, like a cheetah spotting a wounded gazelle, thought ‘Yum!’. You can assuage your guilt by pretending your sexual interest boosted their confidence at a low point in their life, but that’s a pathetic lie.

Actually painful sex

Omitting various perversions, this is often the result of a sexual partner never getting the hang of blowjobs or handjobs. You’re not pumping up a bike tyre, ladies. You tend to be paralysed by politeness in these situations, so you grimly hang on in there until you come and the pain stops (hopefully). Even the uncaring forces of evolution didn’t intend sex to be like this.

One-off cheating

Serial cheating is for scumbags, but temptation occasionally crosses everyone’s path, and wants to have sex in a hotel. While a full-blown affair is hard to hide from your partner, one shag isn’t. But as an amateur adulterer you’ll suffer sickening paranoia that they’ll somehow deduce a six-month-old receipt for two drinks including a red wine when they drink white is incontrovertible evidence of torrid 9½ Weeks-style sex.

You couldn’t show them off to your friends 

You’re no looker yourself, unless you are, in which case well done for the amazing achievement of inheriting DNA. Nonetheless you weren’t keen to show off your squeeze, and met up for sex and that was it, like strangers in a depressing sci-fi movie who need to feel a human touch one last time as the sun implodes. If it wasn’t a looks thing and they were just f**king irritating, you’re morally in the clear because they’ve no one to blame but themselves. 

You knew you shouldn’t have shagged them in the first place

Reasons vary: they’re engaged to your mate; a relationship-dooming age gap; they’re fit but a committed neo-Nazi, etc. Only guilt results, so all you can do is learn from your mistakes. Except you won’t and before you know it you’ll be shagging an emotionally unstable woman at work whose husband used to be in the Paras.