"Alexa, if I’m going to die, then what’s the point of doing anything?"

AMAZON’S smart speaker is not yet ready for life’s bigger questions, it has emerged.

Since its launch, Alexa, the ‘intelligent personal assistant’, has helped people to find out what the weather is like, to listen to instantly forgettable music and to buy lots and lots and lots of stuff.

However, consumers are now discovering the device falls short when it comes to matters of existential malaise.

Nathan Muir, from Stevenage, said: “About a week after I installed it, I asked why man can’t live in peace with his fellow man, but it quickly became clear that Alexa did not have a clue.

“A week later I was sitting at the kitchen table, looking at a flower in a vase, when I asked Alexa to define true happiness.

“After a long silence Alexa asked me if I wanted to order a smoothie maker.”

He added: “I assume Amazon is working on an existential update that will provide simple answers to immensely complex questions about the essential nature of being.

“Until then I’ll just stick to weather forecasts and ordering shoes I don’t need.”

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Osborne takes seventh job in Greggs

FORMER chancellor George Osborne has taken a seventh job serving behind the counter of Greggs in Romford, it has emerged. 

Following news that Osborne, already employed as an MP, motivational speaker, Northern Powerhouse chairman, advisor, and Evening Standard editor had taken a position at the University of Manchester, Romford residents alerted the media to his seventh position.

Market trader Donna Sheridan said: “I knew I knew him from somewhere. It was the hairnet that threw me off.

“He’s there three days a week, dishing out the steak bakes, trying to up-sell meal deals and sullenly asking if you’ve got a rewards card. Doesn’t exactly stand out as a great employee, which in retrospect should have tipped me off.

“The funny thing is I’ve seen him on his break on his laptop in Costa, and I’m pretty sure he was filling out even more job applications.”

Osborne said: “I bring to Greggs the same integrity and attention to detail I bring to all my jobs, and when I quit I’ll hang around outside sneering and criticising my colleagues as they unpack the sandwiches.”