Did you forget I’m a hard Brexit madman? asks Corbyn

JEREMY Corbyn has reminded the nation that he too is a hard Brexit fanatic, despite seeming nice and having a beard. 

The Labour leader said: “Yeah yeah, that White Stripes chant that misses out the second note and all that, but don’t start thinking I’m not in a frenzy like she is.

“She wants hard Brexit so she can create a fascist dictatorship, I want it so I can build a monolithic socialist system. But we both agree you’re getting it damned hard.”

Corbyn admitted that eventually he would sack everyone in the Labour Party because he is now the only politician who ‘understands what Britain truly wants and everyone else will just be getting in the way’.

He added: “I’ll still make jam so that you know I’m nice.”

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'So much for the Great British Summer!' say dreadful twats

THE normalisation of the weather has caused an upsurge in verbal twattery, experts have warned.

Professor Henry Brubaker, from the Institute for Studies, said: “With the heatwave long gone, across the country, massive twats are tutting whilst making jokes about how changeable the weather is.

“Ignore them. Or lock them in a cupboard.”

Helen Archer, who works with one of the twats, said: “It’s as if they’ve just come up with this spectacularly banal observation themselves.

“Like it was the most original and funny thing they’ve ever thought of, which unfortunately might be true.”

Prof Brubaker warned that the twats are also prone to saying things like ‘Cheer up, might never happen’, ‘Exsqueeze me’ and ‘Wagwan’.