Rupert Murdoch awarded BBC

RUPERT Murdoch should be given the BBC to do whatever he wants with it, Ofcom has ruled. 

The regulatory authority was asked to rule on News Corp’s Sky TV takeover bid, but instead has decided to give the 86-year-old what he really wants in gratitude for his service to Britain.

An Ofcom spokesman said: “Nobody wants Sky. It’s shit, and hasn’t had a decent original programme since Dream Team. 

“I know that, the people of Britain know that, and I think after all his years in charge of our country – while, of course, never being a citizen – Mr Murdoch knows it best of all.

“So we have decided, unaminously, to recommend that this fine man is awarded the prize he has really been chasing all these years, and I’m glad to say the government agrees with us completely.

“You’ve seen what he’s managed to achieve with Fox News over in America. Imagine what he can do with a broadcaster people really trust.”

Murdoch said: “And just when I was beginning to fear you’d stopped listening to me. This is marvellous news.”

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Jacob Rees-Mogg sent from 1883 to save Conservative Party

JACOB Rees-Mogg was sent from the year 1883 to stop the Conservatives from being destroyed, it has emerged. 

The member for North East Somerset arrived in the 21st century seven years ago, riding an elaborate contraption of valves and levers propelled by a giant striped parasol.

Carrying only a steamer trunk of starched clothes from his own era, Rees-Mogg stumbled out of the machine determined to restore honest, decent rule by gentlemen.

A Commons source said: “The prime minister of his day, Bonar Law, could see the danger posed by modern times and was determined that the barbarians should not win.

“Mr Rees-Mogg’s mission is to ensure that no man dare appear hatless in public, that the Irish should not achieve Home Rule and that voting be rolled back to land-owners only.

“He will also, via his good offices and persuasive pamphlets, see to it that Great Britain disentangles itself from any unfortunate continental conglomeration with the baser European nations. After all, we have an Empire.

“Furthermore, should the suffragette movement lead to women believing they are fit to hold public office, Mr Rees-Mogg will gently correct their hysteria and lead them back to their homemaking roles.

“In all, we should like for men to look at Mr Rees-Mogg, his attire, his bearing and bestow on him the supreme accolade, ‘Oh yes. You, Sir, are a Tory.’”