Most social attitudes ‘stupid and confused’, finds Social Attitudes Survey

MOST Britons believe in stupid contradictory bullshit that is impossible to analyse, a survey has found.

The British Social Attitudes Survey asked people their views on issues such as tax and gay marriage before very much wishing it had not.

Statistician Julian Cook said: “People wanted good public services, but also thought anyone who works in the public sector is a lazy shit who should get a job in the private sector.

“95 per cent believed in a more caring society, yet a quarter of those said we should scrap all benefits immediately. What sort of honking bellend can’t see a contradiction there?

“One woman said we should fund the NHS by confiscating doctors’ salaries because ‘they’re all just posh bastards who like looking at tits’. I’m not sure we’d get doctors on board with that.

“I was briefly heartened when 85 per cent supported gay marriage, but it turned out it was only for ‘good gays’ like Clare Balding and not ‘pervert gays’ like Frankie Goes to Hollywood.

“After studying the data for several weeks I’ve come to one irrefutable conclusion, which is that these twats – meaning everybody – should never be asked their opinion on anything, ever again.”