Britain breathes sigh of relief as quick-thinking May narrowly averts public sector pay disaster

THERESA May has saved Britain once again by acting decisively to rescue the country from the threatened catastrophe of firefighters being paid more. 

The lionhearted prime minister defied the Labour opposition, public sentiment and even turncoats within her own party to stop the one per cent pay freeze which stands between the UK and utter ruin being smashed to smithereens.

A relieved Nathan Muir, from Hitchin, said: “Thank God. Thank God there are still some heroes.

“This country was in real danger of nurses, police, soldiers, firefighters and even teachers receiving pay rises in line with inflation. I don’t think people realised how close we came.

“But Theresa, like St George facing the dragon, like Churchill at Dunkirk, never wavered. She knew in her heart what was right and, though she stared into the jaws of disaster, she did not give an inch.

“She knew that, especially after the £1.5 billion granted to Northern Ireland, this was a price Britain could not afford to pay. And she won, and saved us all.”

A modest May said: “There’s no need to thank me. Though a parade would be nice.”

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Facebook reminds man that four years ago he used to use Facebook

FACEBOOK’S ‘On this day… four years ago’ feature has reminded a Facebook user that four years ago he used to actually post stuff. 

Tom Booker was surprised to find that, as recently as June 2013, he used to take photos and post them to the site where they would be commented on by friends who also, back then, used Facebook.

He said: “Wow. I would’ve thought it was a lot longer.

“But yeah, here’s a picture of my youngest on a tractor, and here’s everyone Liking it just as if it was some sort of community.

“I still go on Facebook occasionally – I’m not sure why, but it’s something to click – but I’d never actually post anything. That would be just weird.

“Here’s one from seven years ago and it’s an actual status update, like making jokes, and look, underneath it I’m having a proper conversation. Amazing how time flies.”

A Facebook spokesman said: “It’s a shame that Mr Booker no longer actively contributes, but we still receive real-time updates of every move he makes, on and off the internet, and sell that data on. Which is the main thing.”