Britain still hopelessly divided between far too hot and bloody freezing

THE divide between Britain being ridiculously, painfully hot and absolutely fucking freezing is starker than ever, meteorologists have confirmed. 

Recent weeks have shown the gap between a UK where sweat runs into your eyes while you type and a UK where you need to layer up under your waterproof is widening by the day.

Meteorologist Dr Helen Archer said: “We seem, as a country, unable to find any middle ground.

“What Britain needs is a light sunshine with a bit of rain for the garden in the evening, but instead our weather is dominated by fundamentalist extremism.

“We spend a week with fans running full blast, unable to sleep, and a mere seven days later are seriously considering popping the central heating on for an hour, in fucking June.

“Sadly there seems no appetite for compromise, and the country faces being dragged back-and-forth between oppressive heat and relentless rain until it shatters under the strain.”

Nathan Muir of Hereford said: “What happened to traditional British grey?”