Britain still hopelessly divided between far too hot and bloody freezing

THE divide between Britain being ridiculously, painfully hot and absolutely fucking freezing is starker than ever, meteorologists have confirmed. 

Recent weeks have shown the gap between a UK where sweat runs into your eyes while you type and a UK where you need to layer up under your waterproof is widening by the day.

Meteorologist Dr Helen Archer said: “We seem, as a country, unable to find any middle ground.

“What Britain needs is a light sunshine with a bit of rain for the garden in the evening, but instead our weather is dominated by fundamentalist extremism.

“We spend a week with fans running full blast, unable to sleep, and a mere seven days later are seriously considering popping the central heating on for an hour, in fucking June.

“Sadly there seems no appetite for compromise, and the country faces being dragged back-and-forth between oppressive heat and relentless rain until it shatters under the strain.”

Nathan Muir of Hereford said: “What happened to traditional British grey?”

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Man’s career plan based on having successful friends

A MAN has abandoned his plan to work hard and is instead focusing on having successful friends.

Tom Logan, 33, once had dreams of high powered career success and wealth but has recently been forced to admit he has done absolutely nothing about it.

Logan said: “I’ve decided to only keep in touch with friends who will hopefully achieve some kind of success.

“I’m really lazy and so the best thing is to become a leech.”

Logan has about eight people he regularly messages and invites to every social gathering. He also likes and comments on all their social media posts, sometimes without even looking at them.

He added: “My friend Steve is super smart and has a really good idea for a book about robots.

“They say everyone has a book in them, but the book I had in me was one of those shit ones.”