Aliens A Bit Like Lily Allen, Say Experts

EXTRA-TERRESTRIALS could already be bombarding the Earth with short bursts of self-promoting drivel, it was claimed last night.

Experts believe they have identified short, coded messages, sent via space broadband, from interplanetary beings on subjects including their favourite breakfast, their second favourite breakfast and whether or not they’re tired.

Recent signals include, ‘bored bored bored’, ‘Omnicron-D5 iz hot’ and ‘90000yr long winters suck’.

The aliens also believe that ‘Graxone4 shud get over it’, which appears to be one of a series of references to a holographic reality television-type series in which squid-like beings perform demeaning tasks to win a date with something that looks like a massive scaly puffin.

Astrophysicist Dr Nikki Hollis said: “These messages appear to originate from a distant planet orbiting Ursa Minor, a place so different to our world and yet seemingly just as trivial and depressing.

“It’s a strange sensation, to look up at the night sky and know that someone or something millions of light years away is about to watch a DVD boxset of series two of Tentacle Cop and eat some semi-gaseous ice cream while under their favourite blanket.

“I certainly never imagined being indifferent to a distant civilisation. Actually, I should probably stop reading their shit rather than just moaning about it, but it does give me a darkly compelling sense of superiority.”

She added: “However it is exciting to think that one day we might be able to meet these emissaries of the cosmos, and give them a right good fucking slap.”


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Griffin Is First Nazi Banned From Palace Since Edward Viii

NICK Griffin last night became the first Nazi to be told he was not welcome at Buckingham Palace since King Edward VIII in 1936.

The BNP leader’s invitation to a palace garden party was withdrawn after it was decided the monarch’s official residence should not be a haven for fascists. Again.

Amid angry scenes, Mr Griffin was turned away at the palace gates as the Duke of Edinburgh became involved in a shouting match with the Queen’s head of protocol before being dragged away by the Grenadier Guards.

A spokesman said: “Buckingham Palace has never been a platform for individuals with fascist political views. Okay, maybe once or twice. Alright, five or six. Okay, about 20 or 30 times. Fine, 300 times. But that’s it.”

Meanwhile, Sir Denys Finch-Hatton, a former permanent secretary at the Foreign Office, insisted it was a common misconception that King Edward VIII abdicated because of his love for some ghastly American tart.

“Of course he could have married her – all we had to do was change the law. Would have taken two minutes.

“No, the King was told to leave because by 1936 it was clear Britain would inevitably be at war with Germany and it would probably not be in the nation’s best interests if the commander-in-chief of the armed forces was a Nazi.”

He added: “The prevailing consensus –  one that I eventually came to agree with – was that being in charge of both armies would have given the Germans an unfair advantage.”

Lady Margaret Gerving, who made her début in 1934, said: “When Edward was Prince of Wales one had to be a Nazi to get into a Buckingham Palace garden party.

“One had to be up to date with all the latest racial theories just in case the Prince wanted to test one’s loyalty to the thousand-year reich.”

She added: “They were such jolly affairs. The Von Ribbentrops would always bring a lovely Victoria sponge with a swastika on it and the slogan ‘cake makes us free’.

“And then that dashing Mr Moseley and the proprietor of the Daily Mail would stand on a table and do their wonderful impression of an old Jewish man having sexual intercourse with a pig.”