BP Photoshopped Image Of Pelican Giving The Thumbs-Up

OIL giant BP has been accused of manipulating an image of a Gulf of Mexico pelican to show the bird giving the ‘thumbs-up’.

The image accompanied a press release earlier this month from BP, headlined ‘We’re having the time of our lives, say Louisiana pelicans’.

But close examination of the image has revealed that it may have been a sophisticated attempt by the company to give the impression that pelicans love being covered in oil.

The press release stated: “While BP is doing everything it can to deal with the environmental incident in the Gulf of Mexico, the local pelicans are in no hurry to see things get back to normal!

“And while pelicans cannot speak English – not yet anyway! – they have made their feelings known by giving an enthusiastic ‘thumbs up’ to our photographer before licking more high-grade oil off their deliciously greasy plumage.”  

The release continued: “‘According to Nathan Muir, BP’s senior vice-president in charge of pelican community liason, ‘these birds wish it could be oil spill day every day!'”

But digital imaging expert, Julian Cook, said:  “If you look at the edges of the pelican you can see a slight change in the depth of the macro-pixelation.

“That’s been done by someone who has clearly been using Photoshop 8.2.3 for less than a fortnight.

“Meanwhile the light is hitting the sleeve of the jacket and the pelican’s bill at two completely different angles. That’s physically impossible.

“Also, pelicans don’t have arms.”

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Diana In Heaven

It’s been a bit boring around here for a few weeks. We haven’t had any exciting newcomers so I’ve been hanging out with some of the veterans for a change. Shakespeare’s been teaching me how to play darts and I’m entered into a tournament next week. Darts is a bit different up here – this is Heaven so it’s obviously well fucking better.

For starters, the board is a rotating sphere rather than a circle and the darts come out of your fingertips like lasers. The numbers go up to 385 and there’s certain hidden numbers that fire nectar bombs into your eyes when you hit them. The object of the game is to avoid being blinded by nectar.

So it’s sort of like Earth darts only better. But Shakespeare’s shit hot at it and he’s a good teacher. Now we just need to find a way to beat that fucker Ray ‘The Lord’ Charles.

I’m still being intensely wooed by Gary Coleman. The pint-sized pervert has got his sights set on getting me in the sack and there’s been no letting up this week.

He’s sent me a quilt covered in love poems that he got some angels to do for him. It’s not perfect though – right at the bottom, he’s done a drawing of himself in purple felt tip. Given himself a massive cock and balls as well. If that’s anatomically correct, I’m amazed he can even stand up.

Rumour is that he’s hoping to try out a new invention that Michael Jackson has been working on in his lab. It’s a fake flower that squirts Rohypnol gas into your face when you sniff it. I’ll be watching out for that one.

The Big Man’s finally going to dump 10 tons of seagull shite in Richard Dawkins’ back garden and he’s asked me to pull the lever. I can’t fucking wait.

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