Flying Donkey Stunt 'Not Cruel Enough' For Children

A STUNT involving a terrified parachuting donkey left children disappointed by the lack of death, it emerged last night.

Organisers of the event, which took place on a newly-opened Russian beach, have been accused of wilfully underestimating the innate evil of the average under-12 after the animal miraculously survived its fall.

Parent Stehpen Malley said: “When I told my kids some men were chucking a live donkey out of a plane, they shouted ‘sold!’ and started leaping around in an endearingly bloodthirsty way, like wicked goblins who had just been promised a unicorn burger.

“Logically they assumed they would be witness to a gruesome animal fatality. So you can imagine how their homuncular little faces dropped when the creature landed with only minor injuries.”

Six-year-old Stephen Malley Jnr said: “I like donkeys and I bet they explode really well. It’s okay to break animals because according to my teacher they don’t have souls.”

He added: “My teacher sometimes says that I don’t have a soul either.”

Eight-year-old Nikki Ellis said: “I don’t know why the men dropped the donkey out of the sky. It would have been more fun if they made it eat lots of metal carrots and then picked it up with a big magnet and dropped it into a pit of hungry tigers and snakes.

“Like in Road Runner, and also Saw VIII.

Child psychologist Carolyn Ryan stressed: “Exposing young children to public acts of animal cruelty is a very dangerous thing to do. It’s the kind of experience that will make them grow up to become writers on Hollyoaks.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Hodgson Mistakes Cole For Grandson

LIVERPOOL boss Roy Hodgson has unsettled new signing Joe Cole by repeatedly asking whether he’s Sylvia or Enid’s lad.

The veteran manager masterminded Cole’s £90k-a-week contract but has been seen giving him £5 and telling him not to tell his mother.

The money was apparently handed over on the understanding it was to be spent on a book about the Royal Navy.

Hodgson said: “They all seem lovely here and my room’s right next to the conveniences. But the main thing is having family like young Joseph around. I remember when he was this big and I was wiping his bum for him.”

He added: “I used to manage that Fulham, you know. Way before you were born, I imagine. Of course in those days they were called Fulham Academical Sporting Club and all the players were gentlemen who wouldn’t dream of cheeking the ref or raising his hat to another player’s wife without permission.”

Although Hodgson is understood to earn significantly less than predecessor Rafael Benitez, the club has been faced with the added expense of putting handles next to everything and fitting Anfield with 1200 yards of stairlift.

After capturing Cole, Hodgson’s other targets are believed to include Sir Stanley Matthews and Albert ‘the Motor Car’ Perkins, the only Englishman to score a hat-trick at Wembley, a century at Lord’s and bag a dozen fuzzy-wuzzies at the Seige of Tebbit’s Drift.

Liverpool chief executive, Christian Purslow, said: “We still think we have the right man for the job despite the odour and the constant shouting.

“And we’re all looking forward to the first match against Man United, not least because the two dugouts are going to look like Statler and Waldorf, but with a lot more c-words and Glaswegian-ness.”