Apes ignore rectangular object

EARTH’S dominant ape species has reacted with indifference to the arrival of a mysterious black rectangle.

The four inch-screened oblong materialised in a quarry last night, near to where two rival ape groups had been fighting over some meat.

It is the fifth in a series of what may be communications from a mysterious, highly advanced civilisation, but the first to be largely ignored.

Previous mini-monoliths had been greeted with hooting, grunting and excited bone-hurling, and became catalysts for ape evolution.

Alpha male ape Tom Logan briefly ceased lobbing stones to admire his reflection in the latest object’s shiny surface, but it failed to sustain his interest.

Female Emma Bradford, who had been enraptured by the previous rectangles, curled her upper lip, sniffed the air, then defecated in her hand and threw it at Tom Logan.

She said: “Graaaaaar!”

Logan replied: “Ak. Gok. Rarrrr!”


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Tennis not for 'poofs' after all, says Scotland

SCOTLAND has revised its opinion of whether tennis is for ‘poofs’, it has emerged.

Scots place great stock in masculinity, and much of their cultural identity is based around a list of ‘poofy things’ which was first carved into a slab of butter tablet by William Wallace in 1297, and is now kept in a locked vault beneath Holyrood.

The list had not been updated since 1953, when ‘salad’ was added. But Andrew Murray’s US Open victory has triggered the removal of ‘fuckin’ tennis’ from the list.

Keeper of the Tablet Roy Hobbs said: “Tennis is a man’s game, when you think about it. They hit the ball with real hostility and you have to respect that.

“We’re prepared to overlook the fact that they sometimes eat fruit on the court, although ideally the bananas would be replaced with some sort of thrice-fried bap.

“It makes your heart swell to see that brave Murray lad head out to do battle, carrying his heavy racquet bag. If only there were some sort of pipe attached to it that he were blowing into, playing a tuneless dirge, but you can’t have everything.”

Still on the tablet list are the cornerstones of ‘poofiness’ – the English, the Conservative party and coats.

Sociologist Nikki Hollis said: “In fairness Scotland is becoming more enlightened and it is now mostly safe to eat ‘colourful’ food – ie thing that are not beige – in public places.”