Apple Forgot To Hold iPhone Before Putting It In The Shops

APPLE has admitted it forgot to check its new mobile phone
worked before shipping millions of them to stores around the globe.

The company has advised owners of the new iPhone4 that the device should function normally as long as they do not try to hold it with their hands.

A spokesman said: “Holding it with your feet should be okay as long as you’re wearing Jesus sandals or flippers.

“But to get the most from your new iPhone you really need to fashion a holding device made from a coathanger, a Kraft cheese single and a fish slice.

“This should allow you to get the phone to within about 18 inches of your chin. You can then operate the touchpad with an easy-to-use jumbo pencil, or maybe a chopstick.”

The spokesman said pictorial instructions for making the fish slice contraption are now available from the Apple Store for £59.99.

Meanwhile insiders said that this would have to be absolutely the last time Apple issued a product without anyone in the company actually picking one of them up and switching it on.

A source at Apple’s Cupertino headquarters said: “When something looks that nice the idea of checking to make sure it works seems a bit rude. It would be like asking Sienna Miller the capital of Ecuador.”

Nathan Muir, an iPhone owner, said: “This is not my first mobile phone. In fact I bought my first one in October 1998 and in less than a fortnight I had worked out how to hold it properly. But I have always been really good with technology.

“Over the years Steve Jobs has managed to come up with so many colourful and imaginative ways of saying he’s fucked something into a cocked hat, but I think ‘you’re holding it wrong’ is my new favourite.”

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Diana In Heaven

BOBBY MOORE 1 ENGLAND 0
Went round to Brian Clough’s to watch the England v Slovenia match the other day. Was planning to go to Don Revie’s but when we got there he was charging people twenty quid to get in and had put a ban on everyone bringing in their own drinks.

Apparently, the fucker was trying to flog off cans of Skol for a fiver a go. Plus there was compulsory bingo at half time. And he’s only got a black and white telly and he makes you take your shoes off at the door. Fuck that for a lark. So it was a no-brainer – off round to Cloughie’s instead.

It wasn’t a great match and Bobby Moore was bored shitless. He resorted to doing his party piece, which involves swallowing loads of jewellery and then regurgitating it back up. You haven’t died until you’ve seen England’s only World Cup-winning captain coughing up a bangle.

HAPPY DEATHDAY JACKO!
It’s Michael Jackson’s first deathday on Friday and he’s planning to celebrate it in style. He’s got a dozen unicorns to pull him around in a platinum chariot while he tosses After Eights wrapped in edible gold leaf to all and sundry.

Then, for the evening, he’s organised a star-studded party with special performing guest artists. Marvin Gaye and Otis Redding are going to have a fart-lighting contest, Anna Nicole Smith is promising ‘a vagina monologue with a twist’ and Wilfrid Brambell is going to play the spoons with his teeth out.

Jacko’s trying to persuade The Big Man to reach down and pull the Mir space station up here for a couple of hours so we can get the crew out, fuck about with them and then send them back. Only after wiping the short-term memory of all but one of them.

Next week I’ll bring you an exclusive from Jacko about how he really died….

 
NEW ARRIVAL OF THE WEEK
Some odd bloke with a papier mache head pitched up the other morning, going on about how his mum didn’t have anyone to do her shopping for her and that she’d have run out of chops by the end of the week. I think I’m in love.

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