Retirement Age Raised To Five Years After You Die

PEOPLE will be expected to work for a minimum of five years as a zombie under new government plans to raise the retirement age.

Funerals will include a compulsory back to work assessment and any corpse refusing to attend job interviews will have their supply of brains cut off.

Work and pensions secretary, Iain Duncan Smith, said: “From the fast food sector to Britain’s burgeoning call centre industry, there is a great untapped market for the shuffling undead.

“ASDA have already shown that it is possible to staff large premises with nothing but the denizens of the underworld.

“With these new measures we hope to finally remove the warming promise of death’s embrace that used to give so many a vague glimmer of hope.”

Exemptions will be made for those who died in explosions, plane crashes or catastrophic chainsaw failures but their body parts will have to be examined by a benefits officer to assess whether a retraining course could secure them a job at an IT helpdesk.

Nikki Hollis, who died eight months ago after trapping her head in an industrial steam press and is currently employed as a surly, useless bitch in B&Q, feels the zombie work scheme has given her a whole new outlook.

She said: “I dont know where the shelf brackets are, ask someone else. Oh and by the way, BRAAAAAAIIIINS!”

 

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Alexa Chung To Be New Face Of Chitlins

MODEL and TV presenter Alexa Chung is to become the face of boiled pigs’ intestines, it was announced last night.

The style icon has signed a seven-figure deal to front the ‘Chitlins: Believe’ campaign, in a bid  to engage the elusive 18-34 year-old, high-earning ABC1 demographic that has thus far proved resistant to eating connective tissue.

Chung said: “Whether I’m on a private jet dashing between catwalks, or have just returned late from a celebrity-studded reception at Soho members’ club Prick House, I’m always reaching for chitlins.

“There’s never really a time when I don’t want them. Sometimes I can’t think about anything else.

“When I arrive at a Hoxton loft party I’m like, ‘where’s the chitlins at?’ If there’s a bowl of them in the room I’ll just get straight in with my hands, or just stick my face in like I’m at a trough, slopping it all everywhere and making slobbery, smacking noises.”

She added: “I think it’s because they smell like my nan’s house. And I like that they’re cooked in a big vat, with an onion floating in it to stop the stink.”

A spokesman for the British Chitlin Federation said: ‘We’re delighted to have Alexa on board. Like a delicious chitlin she is long, slender and washed until completely free of faecal matter.

“We think of her as a sort of Kelly Brook substitute for men who eat dried sliced fruit and like Lost in Translation.”

Chitlins can be served as a main meal, a dip or a pet food, while whole chitlins can be wrapped around the neck to make an edible scarf or stole.

Chitlin fan, Julian Cook, said: ‘I think Alexa is a great choice, I’ve always had a thing for rather poorly-looking girls. I reckon they’d be very cheap to feed.

“Especially if they like chitlins.”