PEOPLE will be expected to work for a minimum of five years as a zombie under new government plans to raise the retirement age.
Funerals will include a compulsory back to work assessment and any corpse refusing to attend job interviews will have their supply of brains cut off.
Work and pensions secretary, Iain Duncan Smith, said: “From the fast food sector to Britain’s burgeoning call centre industry, there is a great untapped market for the shuffling undead.
“ASDA have already shown that it is possible to staff large premises with nothing but the denizens of the underworld.
“With these new measures we hope to finally remove the warming promise of death’s embrace that used to give so many a vague glimmer of hope.”
Exemptions will be made for those who died in explosions, plane crashes or catastrophic chainsaw failures but their body parts will have to be examined by a benefits officer to assess whether a retraining course could secure them a job at an IT helpdesk.
Nikki Hollis, who died eight months ago after trapping her head in an industrial steam press and is currently employed as a surly, useless bitch in B&Q, feels the zombie work scheme has given her a whole new outlook.
She said: “I dont know where the shelf brackets are, ask someone else. Oh and by the way, BRAAAAAAIIIINS!”