Children Demand Bionic Cats

THOUSANDS of children across the UK have told their parents to buy them a bionic cat, or upgrade their existing cat to bionic status.

'I'm going to give you wheels because I love you'

Interest has surged after Oscar, a cat from Surrey, was given two bionic feet in a ground-breaking operation, leading to spoiled little shits all over the country demanding radical surgery to their family pets.

Tom Logan, a father of two from Hatfield, said: “Maisie now feels that our cat, Bangles, is essentially worthless.

“She said it was a boring, rubbish cat that didn’t do anything and that we shouldn’t be surprised if she tried to flush it down the toilet or bury it alive.

“I pointed out that if we gave Bangles some bionic feet she wouldn’t be able to move around as easily and that bionic feet are very much a last resort for cats that have disagreed with combine harvesters.

“But Maisie simply grabbed Bangles, held her up and shouted ‘CUT ITS FEET OFF! CUT ITS FEET OFF! CUT ITS FEET OFF!’.”

Martin Bishop, a father of three from Finsbury Park, said: “I’ve persuaded Dylan, my seven year old, that we should start by cutting the feet off of a gerbil and then maybe, when he’s a little bit older, we can think about mutilating some larger animals.

“He says he would eventually like to cut the legs off a dog and replace them with springs. But he would also make sure that it wore a safety helmet in case it banged its head on the ceiling. He’s such a sensitive little chap.”

Logan added: “I’ve found this Bulgarian website that seems to do bionic pets. I’m still not sure though. The last thing you want is a four-wheeled cat with dodgy eastern European brakes careering up and down the hall when you’re trying to read a book.”