THE All England Tennis Club has commissioned a special forces officer to terminate a match at Wimbledon after it went completely insane.
Captain Benjamin Willard has been told that his mission is to proceed past court number one, over Henman Hill and, when he finds the match, infiltrate it by whatever means available and terminate it with extreme prejudice.
All England secretary, Denys Finch-Hatton, said: “It’s out there operating without any decent restraint, totally beyond the pale of any acceptable human conduct.”
Willard, who had been dragged, hungover, from his bed and forced under a cold shower, admitted: “I was going to the worst place in the world and I didn’t even know it yet. Minutes away and yards up a gravel path that snaked through the All England Club like a mains circuit cable plugged straight into Isner v Mahut.”
Escorting Willard for the early part of his mission, senior club steward, Bill Kilgore, said: “Smell that? You smell that? Strawberries, son. Nothing else in the world smells like that.
“I love the smell of strawberries in the morning.
“You know, one time we had a hill bombed, for 12 hours. When it was all over, I walked up. We didn’t find one of ’em, not one stinkin’ dink body. The smell, you know that sweet, fruity smell, the whole hill. Smelled like… victory. Someday this match is gonna end.”
Arriving at the court about 40 seconds later, Willard was immediately confronted by a deranged photographer from the Press Association who asked him: “What are they gonna say about it? What are they gonna say? That it was a kind match? That it was a wise match? That it had plans? That it had wisdom? Bullshit, man!”
Willard revealed: “Everybody wanted me to do it, it most of all. I felt like it was up there, waiting for me to take the pain away. It just wanted to go out like a tennis match, standing up, not like some poor, wasted, rag-assed renegade.
“Even the BBC wanted it dead, and that’s who it really took its orders from anyway.”
Coming face to face with the 10 and a half hour match, Willard said: “They told me that you had gone totally insane, and that your methods were unsound. But I don’t see any method at all.”
Asked if he was an assassin, Willard replied he was a soldier, but the match dismissed his claims, insisting: “You’re neither. You’re an errand boy, sent by grocery clerks, to collect a bill.”
Willard added: “Yeah that’s fine, but could someone just break a fucking serve here? Okay? Jesus Christ.”