AS air travel resumes across Europe attention has shifted to the cause of volcanic ash, with many people fingering skanks.
Scientists, theologians and one daily newspaper claimed the volcano-related paralysis must be linked in some way to Britain's ever-worsening trollop infestation.
Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies said: "Volcanic ash is made up of trillions of sub-atomic particles that are irresistibly drawn to sassy little tarts who will do all kinds of mucky nonsense for a Bacardi Breezer and a fried egg roll.
"If you look at satellite images of the ash plume you will see that while its out-lying regions are having a sniff at the French and German floozies, the bulk of it is sitting over the UK and its incredibly strong concentrations of high-grade skankosity."
Meanwhile Icelandic druid, Frdn Snrdnssn, insisted that Loki, the vengeful Norse deity, had become enraged after watching an episode of Police, Camera, Action which showed Carlisle town centre knee deep in WKD and flailing, half-naked strumpets.
He added: "Our gods are quite old-fashioned and are used to maidens wearing about fourteen layers of moose hide and putting up a bit of a struggle.
"In Loki's day you had to appear as a flame-sheathed goat to get any action. Now it seems all you have to do is buy them a cocktail and pretend to own a Porsche.
"So, as you can imagine, when he saw that he was being outdone in the fandango steeplechase by a Cumbrian estate agent he decided to let one off."
Professor Brubaker added: "In the event of future eruptions we need a national strategy to get all British skanks covered up and in their own beds by 9.30. If not then we better pray to Loki that the ash is coming from one of Iceland's gayboy volcanoes."