Are Volcanoes Caused By Skanks?

AS air travel resumes across Europe attention has shifted to the cause of volcanic ash, with many people fingering skanks.

Scientists, theologians and one daily newspaper claimed the volcano-related paralysis must be linked in some way to Britain's ever-worsening trollop infestation.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies said: "Volcanic ash is made up of trillions of sub-atomic particles that are irresistibly drawn to sassy little tarts who will do all kinds of mucky nonsense for a Bacardi Breezer and a fried egg roll.

"If you look at satellite images of the ash plume you will see that while its out-lying regions are having a sniff at the French and German floozies, the bulk of it is sitting over the UK and its incredibly strong concentrations of high-grade skankosity."

Meanwhile Icelandic druid, Frdn Snrdnssn, insisted that Loki, the vengeful Norse deity, had become enraged after watching an episode of Police, Camera, Action which showed Carlisle town centre knee deep in WKD and flailing, half-naked strumpets.

He added: "Our gods are quite old-fashioned and are used to maidens wearing about fourteen layers of moose hide and putting up a bit of a struggle.

"In Loki's day you had to appear as a flame-sheathed goat to get any action. Now it seems all you have to do is buy them a cocktail and pretend to own a Porsche.

"So, as you can imagine, when he saw that he was being outdone in the fandango steeplechase by a Cumbrian estate agent he decided to let one off."

Professor Brubaker added: "In the event of  future eruptions we need a national strategy to get all British skanks covered up and in their own beds by 9.30. If not then we better pray to Loki that the ash is coming from one of Iceland's gayboy volcanoes."


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Your Problems Solved, With Holly Harper

Dear Holly,
I met a woman called Barbara online in a Chris De Burgh fan forum last year, and for many months we have been emailing back and forth, getting to know one another and discussing our shared passion for Chris' phenomenal music. Last week, we plucked up the courage to finally meet. But as soon as I saw her, it swiftly became apparent that Barbara had been somewhat economical with the truth about her appearance. Although she had led me to believe she was a young, pretty blonde, it turned out that she would be better described as bearing an uncanny resemblance to Rick Parfitt from Status Quo. I feel slightly cheated by her duplicity but at the same time I haven't had sex for three years and I am 86% confident she will let me sleep with her. Do you think I should continue the friendship, in spite of her unsightliness?

Dear Wayne,
When my big sister and I were little, we had a big, fat German au pair called Wilhelmina who lived in our spare room and looked after us while mummy and daddy were busy with grown-up things like drinking wine and going away for the weekend. Wilhelmina was great fun, even though she had hairy legs and armpits like a man, and smelled a bit like beef. We did all sorts of enjoyable things together, and Wilhelmina taught me lots of valuable new life skills. Thanks to Wilhelmina, I can upside-down French plait my hair, say 'your mother is a female dog from hell' in German, and burp the last act of Das Rheingold by Wagner.
Unfortunately, due to an indiscretion on Wilhelmina's part involving a bus driver and his teenage son, suddenly one day she was sent back to Saarbrucken, never to be seen again, which made me very sad. Some people play a key role in your formative years, making a memorable and lasting impact on your life. But some people, like Wilhelmina, will also do anything for a Danish pastry and a free ride into town. Whatever the case, the most important thing that Wilhelmina taught me is that beauty is only skin deep, and even fat, hairy German ladies can be excellent company if you get to know them.
Hope that helps!