Bond Films To Be Renamed Again

THE producers of the James Bond franchise have warned they may be forced to return to renaming the old films and hoping no-one notices.

Daniel Craig was set to star in the first Bond film since 1967, but financial troubles at MGM could mean the next instalment will star Sean Connery as 007 for the 114th time.

Bond expert, Denys Finch-Hatton, said: "There are only four films but thanks to felt tip pens, the occasional new song and some dubbing, the franchise has been unstoppable for 48 years."

Dr No
, the first Bond film, was made in 1962 and then re-released 32 times, including as Diamonds are Forever in 1971, Moonraker in 1978, For Your Eyes Only in 1981 and most recently as Quantum of Solace starring Connery voiced by Daniel Craig doing a Timothy Dalton impersonation and with some yellowy-brown felt tip covering his hair.

From Russia With Love was made in 1963 and immediately re-released the following year as Goldfinger before being renamed over the decades as Live and Let Die, A View to a Kill, Licence to Kill, Tomorrow Never Dies and Die Another Day.

Meanwhile Thunderball, made in 1965, has now been recycled 37 times, starting with On Her Majesty's Secret Service in 1969 followed by The Man With the Golden Gun in 1974, The Spy Who Loved Me in 1977 and Casino Royale, the critically acclaimed version of exactly the same film, in 2005.

The next Bond film will be the 28th re-release of You Only Live Twice/Octopussy/The Living Daylights/Goldeneye/The World is Not Enough and is expected to be called Fancy Diamond Gun Car.

Denys Finch-Hatton added: "Every few years it is important to reinvent the James Bond persona with an exciting new title for a re-released film that's also in tune with the audience of the day. I wonder what Fancy Diamond Gun Car is about?"


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Elderly Re-Assert Their Right To Offend

SEVEN out of 10 old people are starting to notice that everyone in the room switches off the second they start talking, according to a new survey.

Age UK found that an increasing number think their disgusting opinions are being ignored simply because they are tedious and predictable and usually start with an anecdote about coins.

Margaret Gerving, a care home resident from Guildford, said: "I did a little experiment the other day and asked my grandson to remind me what we had been talking about during his last visit.

"He mumbled something about sardines when in fact I'd spent 45 minutes explaining to him why this country has been turning into Bangladesh since 1953 and why Sidney Poitier should never have been released from prison.

"If he wants to see a penny of my National Savings account he can get his backside in here and listen to me complaining about every single thing that's ever happened to me and why there was always a coloured man involved. In 40 degree heat."

An Age UK spokeswoman said: "There's a wealth of untapped bile just sitting there if people could only get past the shadow of death’s icy fingers, the gaping, wrinkled maws bereft of long-forgotten incisors and, of course, the foul, lingering stench.

"Old people don't want to be ignored or drugged with a mild sedative and locked in a trunk, they want to be active members of society, filling our lives with a continuous litany of petty, race-related grievances while you're trying to find out who keeps 'stealing' their Rich Tea biscuits.

"They want to share their rich portfolio of of N-words and P-words and D-words while teaching their little grandchildren how to spot poofs and Jews."

Age UK's awareness campaign starts this week featuring Brian Cox, Ian McKellen and lots of other actors who resemble an average pensioner in the same way that Last Of The Summer Wine is a bit like Stargate SG-1.