Are you reading for pleasure or is your phone dead?

ARE YOU reading because you enjoy the complex interplay of stimulating thoughts that a good book offers, or has your phone battery died? Take our quiz: 

When was the last time you read a book?

A) I’ve always got at least one on the go, maybe more. It keeps the mind sharp and opens it to new ideas.

B) In school, because they made us.

What book are you reading right now?

A) The Power by Naomi Alderman. I’m a little late to the game, but that book is gripping!

B) A seven-month old copy of Star magazine with a cover story about Gemma Collins.

Did you charge your phone before you left the house?

A) I don’t use my phone that heavily, so it’s probably got enough charge without needing to top it up. I don’t know, I’ve not looked at it.

B) No, no, for fuck’s sake, no. I can’t believe I didn’t. I’m a fucking idiot.

Did you bring your charger with you?

A) No. It lives downstairs, by the hall table.

B) I’ve already said I’m an idiot mate. Why doesn’t my stupid battery last more than four hours? I’ve got Twitter to check, an Instagram story to update, and God knows what’s going on in my WhatsApps.


Mostly As: You enjoy reading. Well done. But also you should know that everyone thinks you’re an arsehole. What are you trying to prove, with your fancy book? Think you’re better than everyone else? Twat.

Mostly Bs: Your phone is dead. It was either Star magazine or stare at a pigeon. But at least you’re normal, not a speccy four-eyed swot.

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UK can't understand why May announcing vote-winning plan to slash corporation tax quietly in New York

BRITAIN cannot see why Theresa May is announcing plans to slash corporation tax, sure to be acclaimed by ordinary voters, discreetly in New York. 

May has inexplicably pledged that Britain will become a low tax paradise for struggling multinationals at a business forum across the Atlantic, instead of in front of cheering crowds in her London home. 

Delivery driver Wayne Hayes said: “The biggest problem facing Britain today is our ridiculously high corporation tax of 19 per cent. That’s why so many of them have to avoid it. 

“But instead of announcing this hugely popular common sense policy in the UK, perhaps to kickstart an election campaign, May seems to be doing it almost as though she’s trying to keep it quiet. 

“I wouldn’t be surprised if she’s privately proposing more hit policies, like contracting US healthcare providers to run the NHS or abolishing all employment rights, to billionaires without realising they’re what we all want to hear.

“What a terrible politician. If only she had the courage to be honest with us.”