Are you only at the Labour conference because your life is incredibly dull?

ARE you attending the Labour party conference because of your passion for politics, or is it because you are lonely and bored?

Take our test and find out.

What is your main reason for attending the conference?

A) I care about the future of Britain.

B) If I spend another evening watching Newsnight with my cat I may go mad.

Did you go to any of the tragic conference discos?

A) No, they’re just full of ageing lefties dancing weirdly.

B) You bet! It was like being at the parties in The Wolf of Wall Street compared to my usual social life, which is talking to my mum about her wheelie bins.

You found yourself in a lift with popular MP Keir Starmer. What did you do?

A) Politely congratulated him on his Brexit speech.

B) Invented a toe-curling fantasy in which Keir and I are best friends and play tennis together and one day he invites me to become an MP, which I am brilliant at.

How will you feel when conference ends?

A) Quite glad to leave the sweaty conference halls and lengthy debates.

B) Gutted! I just want the fun to go on forever!

Mostly As. Well done! You are more interested in politics than filling a gaping void in your life.

Mostly Bs. You are perhaps using politics as a substitute for a normal life. Use your four hours a day on Guardian comment sections to try and have a shag instead.

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Beluga whale in Thames changes route after discovering price of pint in London

THE Beluga whale spotted in the Thames has changed course after finding out the price of a London pint.

The majestic creature, which had planned to check out Madame Tussaud’s and perhaps the Tate Modern, has drawn the line at paying more than seven quid for a drink.

It said: “Bloody hell, almost eight pounds for a pint? I don’t care if it is craft beer. How good can beer be?

“And crisps are nearly two quid.”

The disappointed mammal said that the excursion had also been marred by the appearance of a persistent seagull that only wanted to discuss Brexit.

The whale added: “I had to shoot a load of water out of my blowhole just to get him to shut up.”

The creature is now heading back to open water, where the daily battle for survival is still more relaxing than time in the UK capital.