CAT allergies are caused by all the revolting shit lurking beneath their flawless exterior.
Researchers found that if you part a cat’s coat you will find nauseating amounts of cat dandruff, cat shit, leaves and bits of old mouse.
Professor Henry Brubaker said: “Cats make a big deal of licking themselves, but they are just manipulating us into thinking they are clean.
“Consider how hairy they are in comparison to how small their tongues are. It’s like trying to Hoover a mansion with a drinking straw.
“Also they are lazy fuckers.
“So they look nice on the outside but under the surface it’s like a vile old hedge.
“They eat live rats, so what did you expect?”
31-year-old Mary Fisher said: “I always thought my allergy to cats was some weird, complex chemical imbalance. Actually it’s just a natural reaction to a revolting little animal that keeps touching my legs.
“Also a cat looks like a cross between a bat and a small dog and that is wrong.”