Cats actually disgusting

CAT allergies are caused by all the revolting shit lurking beneath their flawless exterior.

Researchers found that if you part a cat’s coat you will find nauseating amounts of cat dandruff, cat shit, leaves and bits of old mouse.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “Cats make a big deal of licking themselves, but they are just manipulating us into thinking they are clean.

“Consider how hairy they are in comparison to how small their tongues are. It’s like trying to Hoover a mansion with a drinking straw.

“Also they are lazy fuckers.

“So they look nice on the outside but under the surface it’s like a vile old hedge.

“They eat live rats, so what did you expect?”

31-year-old Mary Fisher said: “I always thought my allergy to cats was some weird, complex chemical imbalance. Actually it’s just a natural reaction to a revolting little animal that keeps touching my legs.

“Also a cat looks like a cross between a bat and a small dog and that is wrong.”

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'Comic book universe' takes about two hours to create

A COMPLETE ‘comic book universe’ that can be made into graphic novels and films takes about two hours to create, it has emerged.

Speaking at Comic-Con, former office worker Tom Logan told a packed auditorium how he wrote the smash hit graphic novel Universe Team in less than 100 minutes.

He said: “When I sat down I didn’t think I had any ideas. Then my Biro started to move as if by magic, writing the character names Mutant X, Lady Evil, and Doctor Robotic.

“I was amazed at what was springing, almost magically, from the dark recesses of my mind.

“But who could these characters be? I began developing their traits based on their names, for example Doctor Robotic is a very clever machine-man.

“The process was amazingly effortless, almost literally without effort. Then I rang up a comics company and read out what I’d written, they immediately bought the rights.”

Logan described the speedily-constructed world of Universe Team: “The Universe-verse is similar to our own universe, with the key differences being that there are superheroes and it’s more rainy.

“What’s even more impressive is that they’ve all got their own backstories. Like The Splurge, who was a brilliant scientist, until an experiment went wrong and now he’s made of liquid flesh.

“Because he’s all gooey, the only woman who can love him is a blind girl with no sense of touch.”

Logan has been paid a seven-figure sum to script a Hollywood film adaptation of Universe Team, which he plans to do on Sunday before the rugby starts.