Children with three parents allowed to adapt Larkin poem

CHILDREN born using three-person IVF will be allowed to quote an adapted version of Philip Larkin’s This Be the Verse.

Larkin’s estate has agreed that the offspring will be allowed to say ‘they fuck you up, your mum and dad and mum’ or ‘they fuck you up, your mum and dad and dad’.

A spokesman said: “As their lives will be 50% more excruciating than everyone else’s it seems only fair.

“Whether they also want to include ‘they may not mean to, but they do’ will be optional. As it is for everyone else.”

Psychologists have welcomed the government’s decision to approve three-person IVF, describing it as ‘a goddamn goldmine’.

Dr Martin Bishop said: “Basically, all we do is ask two questions – ‘how was your relationship with your mother?’ and ‘how was your relationship with your father?’. Now we get to ask a third question.

“Genetics really is an incredible science. I’m going to buy a very large house.”

Meanwhile, the government has pledged subsidised help for the offspring in the event of all three parents going completely bonkers at the same time.

A department of health spokesman: “IVF is brilliant, but eventually some poor bastard is going to have to cope with three increasingly right-wing nudists.”

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Amazon offers great new way to complicate your life

AMAZON has unveiled a new service designed specifically to distress pensioners and the technically inept.

According to the company, AutoRip will separate true music fans from aimless dilettantes by a process of ‘natural digital selection’.

Stephen Malley,  Amazon’s head of consumer alienation, said: “People will be forced to prove they are worthy of enjoying the entertainment they purchase by learning to understand complex binary coding.

“At the moment millions of consumers can enjoy music in any way they choose, which means people are buying Tom Odell albums.

“We want listening to music to require as much effort and energy as a Level Four Sudoku.”

He added: “Most people in the UK aren’t qualified to appreciate good tunes. The best tracks tend to be the most obscure – and AutoRip immediately makes everything in your collection more obscure.”

Emma Bradford, a descant recorder player from Hull, said: “My last album, Shrill And Alarming, sold poorly because it was released in a climate of casual music consumption.

“Also, the publicist hid the QR codes in a tree.”

She added: “AutoRip will make people realise listening to music can only be rewarding if it is difficult and painful. Which means people will track down my next EP instead of Epic Marbella Hits IV.”