Cigarette that kills non-smokers launched

A NEW type of cigarette transfers its negative health effects to the nearest non-smoker.

Quantum Fags were developed by scientists who believe passionately that cigarettes were killing the wrong people, as non-smokers are generally more annoying.

They developed nicotine particles that can exist simultaneously in two places at once.

The pleasure-giving chemicals remaining within the smokers’ lungs while the deadly stuff teleports into the nearest non-smoker, making them cough terribly.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “Someone who hasn’t smoked their whole life, and more to the point wouldn’t hesitate to tell you about it, will find themselves wheezing like a dinner lady.

“Thus society can remove its priggish killjoys by furiously smoking them to death whilst having a bloody good time in the process.”

Smoker Roy Hobbs said: “I have always felt it was unfair that smoking kills you. Much better that a total stranger should die.

“Will their fingers turn yellow? That would be really clever.”

 

 

The Daily Mash in your inbox
privacy

Disney promises 61-year-old Princess Leia in metal bikini

CARRIE Fisher will get back into fetish gear for the next Star Wars film in 2017, Disney has promised.

Executives at the corporation said that actress Carrie Fisher, who will be 61 when the film wraps, will return wearing the iconic outfit.

A spokesman said: “Leia is sexy, sure, but in her skimpy steel bra at a near-pensionable age she’s also strong and dignified.

“Carrie, like the Star Wars series, never gets old. Or at least we’ve convinced ourselves of that.

“And as a nod to gender equality, Mark Hamill turns up in a leather thong.

“Anyway the Hollywood maxim is, do flog a dead horse. Flog it until all the flesh has gone and it’s just a skeleton. Then flog the skeleton until it’s powder. Then sell the powder as merchandise.”

Star Wars fan Julian Cook said: “I’m sure Carrie looks great for her age but I vaguely remember my nan at 61. Even if we weren’t related I wouldn’t have wanted to see her in fetish gear.”

Fellow devotee Tom Logan said: “I could handle it if the story centred on Jar Jar Binks investigating financial irregularities in the Rebel Alliance’s accounts, or a love triangle between two ewoks and a jawa.

“I’d still watch it if the dialogue consisted entirely of clunky exposition like, ‘It is of crucial importance that we deactivate the trillium beam in order that our love may flourish like a Nabooian swamp rose.’

“And I’d be more curious than angry if George Lucas came and took a dump on my front lawn.

“But not this. No. Not this.

“It’s like every act of masturbation I did since the 80s is now somehow tainted and impure.”