Clock ticking on when shiny new laptop will be used to look at absolute filth

IT is only a matter of hours until a man’s gleaming new laptop will be used to view the most degrading pornography imaginable, he has admitted. 

Tom Booker’s 15-inch MacBook Air, which cost £1,270, has been out of the box for two whole days without being introduced to the URL of PornHub, but his friends and family fear that innocence will soon be shattered.

Friend Wayne Hayes said: “Tom’s distracting himself for now by playing with the spatial audio array and touch ID, but those features can only satisfy him for so long.

“That baby’s got a liquid retina display. It’s wasted on columns of text. The fine HD entertainment distributed by Bang Bros would look almost real on that screen, as he’ll discover before the day’s out.”

Wife Donna said: “I feel sorry for that laptop. It thinks it belongs to a respectable man who would never piss away an entire afternoon watching videos of milfs entertaining visiting tradesmen three at a time. It’ll soon find out how wrong it was.

“The second I pop to the shops he’ll be putting the incognito browser through its paces and seeing how many tabs of debauched videos it can play at once. Thanks to the Apple M2 chip, the answer is shitloads. So enjoy your shiny chrome finish while it lasts.”

Tom said: “It’s lasted better than the iPad. That little slut was showing me bukkake on the very first afternoon.”

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The doctors say you staying with Meghan could kill him, explains William

A GRAVE-FACED Prince of Wales has informed his brother that medically, his remaining with his wife could prove a fatal blow. 

Following Prince Harry’s arrival in the UK, he was intercepted by his brother who told him that the doctors confirmed he has a very rare form of cancer called Markle’s Lymphoma.

He continued: “Yeah, so they were surprised because Dad’s so healthy, but apparently it’s caused by an extreme reaction to the introduction of a ‘toxic precursor’?

“They were asking if he’d been exposed to any chemicals or anything, and I said no, or if he’d suffered any adverse effects to something he’d not previously been in contact with perhaps beginning about six years ago and peaking in 2018, and I realised.

“I said ‘no way could one Hollywood actress, no matter how mixed her race, cause this’ and the doctor said unfortunately yes and it’s medical fact in all the literature. And that’s them saying that not me.

“Apparently even trace elements, such as someone who’s been in contact with her in the last 30 days, could make it recur and that would be it. His immune system, rarified from decades of contact with pure-bred English roses, simply goes into shock.

“So yeah, that’s official. Your choice what happens next. Consequences will be on you. I guess we’ll just have to trust you to do the right thing.”