Closest Earth-like planet best hope of getting on property ladder

FIRST-TIME buyers have been urged to start looking at buying property on Proxima B.

Estate agents who believe the newly discovered Earth-like planet presents young professionals with their best chance to get on the property ladder are anticipating fierce competition for desirable spots on its barren surface.

Estate agent Emma Bradford said: “Proxima B is the new Hoxton.

“Just a modest 4.2 light year commute from central London, it boasts a wonderful natural rock surface and average temperatures of around minus 40 degrees, which compares well to Glasgow.

“You can get an impressive two acres of molten rock for a very reasonable price and you’ll get so used to clouds of cyanide gases venting into your home you’ll wonder how you managed without them.

“But the time to act is now. If you wait to buy until the first probe lands you’re already too late.”

Wayne Hayes said: “We did a bit of reading about the area and apparently one side of the planet is shrouded in perpetual darkness, so location is important to us.

“In the end we’ve put in an offer on a crater that looks like a fixer-upper, but were gazumped by an hyperintelligent colony of living silicate from Alpha Centuri who wants it for his buy-to-let portfolio.”

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Audience at darts tournament have no idea there's a darts tournament going on

THE MAJORITY of the crowd at the Perth Masters darts tournament have no idea that there is a darts tournament being played, they have confirmed.

Less than ten per cent of the thousand-strong crowd knew that a competitive darting event was taking place in the venue that they were drinking in even among those who had placed bets on it.

Attendee Stephen Malley said: “I fucking love the darts.

“The booze, the chips, the rough birds, the dressing up as pantomime horses and dancing along to the chorus of Chelsea Dagger every five minutes. It’s a brilliant laugh.

“I did stagger out in front of a fat bloke throwing arrows before, having lost my way coming back from the bar, but I don’t think they were professionals. Not using language like that.

“Who was the winner on the night? Probably the bloke dressed as Big Bird who was getting off with the girl dressed as a garden gnome. He looked well in.

“The tournament winner? I’m sorry. I don’t know what you mean.”