Cool 'life hackers' actually just tight sods

SO-CALLED ‘life hacks’ are really just pointless tips for dull misers, it has emerged.

Despite widespread media interest, Britons are discovering life hacks are just nan-type domestic hints such as using a lemon to clean glass.

Office manager Mary Fisher said: “I’ve tried loads of life hacks and so far I’ve managed to make a bottle of washing up liquid last slightly longer and avoided binning 25p of limp salad.  

“I might stop wasting my life on this idiocy because although I’ve discovered essential oils mixed with baking soda makes an inexpensive air freshener, you can’t buy self-respect.”

Life hacker Martin Bishop said: “Thanks to all the articles about life hacks I’m learning new ones every day, like how you don’t need to bathe or wash your clothes if you spray yourself all over with Windolene.

“With all the savings I’ve got loads of extra cash to spend in the pub, but I prefer the hack of staying at home drinking pints of tap water made to look like beer with food colouring.

He added: “Yesterday I found out about a quick way of slicing tomatoes horizontally that will save me at least four minutes over the course of a lifetime.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Dad's week-long silence may or may not be related to Remembrance Sunday

A FATHER has been silent for almost a week, either in tribute to Britain’s soldiers or because he is in one of his moods.

Bill McKay, from Portsmouth, stopped speaking around 10 o’clock on Wednesday evening and has since maintained a silence that is either solemn or slightly hostile.

His wordlessness has been broken by the occasional harrumph while reading the newspaper, and a weary sigh while watering the houseplants.

McKay’s daughter Lucy said: “Dad always wears a poppy and loves The Dam Busters, so he probably thought a mere two minutes’ silence was insufficiently respectful.

“Perhaps he has decided to become a monk in memory of our brave boys, and will shortly be donning poppy-coloured robes and converting the shed into a mini-Cenotaph.

“However this does also coincide with mum repeatedly telling him it’s our turn to have nan for Christmas this year.”

She added: “Last time this happened was when mum wanted to turn the shed into a ‘guest room’ so that her sister could come and stay.

“He spent most of that month communicating exclusively in snorts and grunts, and only snapped out of it when Where Eagles Dare came on Netflix.”