Dawkins now just telling random strangers why he hates them

RICHARD Dawkins has taken to walking down the street saying horrible, unprovoked things to total strangers.

The scientist leaves his house in Oxford at 11am and immediately begins hurling brief insults at anyone who comes within 10 feet of him.

According to local residents, a typical 30 second burst will include phrases such as ‘please don’t have children’, ‘you look like a baptist’, ‘everything about your shoes sickens me’ and ‘your face seems to be inside out’.

Neighbour Martin Bishop said: “If he sees a woman in a burka coming towards him he’ll shout, ‘oh fucking hell, here we go’.”

After an hour of ‘strolling abuse’ Dawkins will then go into a local cafe and choose a table next to two people having a conversation.

Victim Jane Thomson revealed: “He listened to us for about a minute and then leaned over, apologised for interrupting and told me I was an ‘evil cretin’ and my friend Sarah was a ‘scandalous waste of evolution’.

“I tried to explain to him that we were just talking about Sarah’s eight year-old son starting judo classes, at which point he got very angry and said it was like talking to a pile of elephant dung.”

Dawkins said last night: “Why do I do it? What an immensely stupid question.

“Go and pick the nits off one of your friends.”

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Do I use my bare hands or my Cath Kidston crossbow?

Dear Holly,

I’m totally raging. If the rumours are true, that devious cow Jennifer Lawrence is trying to poach my husband. She might profess to emulate me by being an Oscar winner but does she have a profoundly irritating lifestyle company, a series of patronising cookbooks and the ability to live two parallel existences whilst getting off with John Hannah? No. I didn’t think so. Exemplary survival skills or not, I’m going to hunt her down and savagely murder her. The question is, do I use my bare hands or my Cath Kidston crossbow?

Gwyneth Paltrow

Los Angeles

Dear Gwyneth,

Unfortunately, I can’t advise on conventional personal weaponry, as they’ve recently banned it at my school. However, it is possible to bring a foe to the point of catatonia by tying them to a chair and putting hundreds of loom bands on their arms until their fingers go a bit blue. Then maybe next time they’ll think twice about slagging you off because your mum loves Cliff Richard.

Hope that helps!