Earth is 17 billionth on 'desirable planets' list

EARTH is the worst of 17 billion similar planets, according to a universe-wide survey.

The discovery was made when the Institute for Studies deciphered a radio message emanating from the Horsehead Nebula.

Initially thought to contain secrets of an alien civilisation, it was actually an extra-terrestrial journalist looking for a quote.

Professor Henry Brubaker explains: “The message was quite simple – ‘How does it feel to live on the universe’s shittiest shitball?’  It was quite a shock.”

“Apparently there are planets out there with mountains made of Toblerone, or that have air with just a hint of laughing gas.  And we got black widow spiders and Sara Cox.”

Scientists believe factors in Earth’s low status may include rock songs with rapping in them, bus stations and ‘breakfast biscuits’.

Mary Fisher, an accountant from Cirencester, said: “For years we’ve had David Attenborough and Brian Cox banging on about Earth like it’s the Rolls Royce of planets.  Turns out it’s a second hand Austin Maestro.”

Scientist Stephen Malley is optimistic that Earth can improve its ranking:  “There are planets ranked above us that are constantly on fire.

“If we can improve global parking shortages by tarmacing Wales and hide places like Harlow, we could easily break into the top 11 billion.”



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Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Your New Year resolutions are going swimmingly, assuming you resolved to eat expired mince pies more often.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Curious about what it felt like to announce your atheism 200 years ago, this week you will meet up with your hipster friends in a gastropub and announce that you think Stewart Lee is shit.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
This week you will write to ITV and BBC, asking them to help the fight to reduce binge drinking by making their weekend schedule less dreadful.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Your self-help book has a typo in it, and you’re actually meant to greet people in a ‘genial’ manner. In other news you will shortly be placed on a register.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
After turning up your stereo really loud, you discover that in the song of the same name Roy Orbison whispers “…and wanking” after the word “Crying”.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
No word from Channel 5 about your documentary on people going to Central Asia for sex change operations called “Is Becky Stan?”

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
During your interview to work in the bakery, when they ask what qualifies you for the role don’t say it’s your yeast infection.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
This week you will convince a court that it’s possible to embarrass a man who calls himself ‘Rocknroll’.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
There’s a starman waiting in the sky, he’d like to come and meet us but he thinks he’d blow our minds. And, more worryingly, our dog.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
You can blame dole scroungers, or immigrants, or single parent families, but why not…actually, just doing that seems to have worked for you so far, forget I said anything.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Yes it is called rubbing alcohol but no, I don’t think rubbing it on your tongue is acceptable.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
No I’m not sending this horoscope by semaphore, my hands are on fire.