Edinburgh scientists to capture precise moment when performer's spirit breaks

SCIENTISTS are visiting Edinburgh to photograph the exact moment at which a festival performer’s spirit breaks.

Human misery researchers from the Institute for Studies are using special cameras pointed at the stage in a pub basement venue that smells of chips and tears.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “We hope to capture that moment when a mixture of sleep deprivation, Scottish food and an audience of six people who are basically sheltering from the rain utterly overwhelms a performer.

“Although it has never been captured, it is rumoured that at the very moment of soul-crushing you can actually see a person’s spirit leave their body as a vague greyish cloud, like a Victorian ghost photo.

“We’ve told the acts that we’re journalists from a magazine called ‘ComedyBuzz’. This may be a slight ethical grey area, but you can’t make an omelette without breaking some eggs.””

One of the acts under surveillance is Tom Logan, who is performing a satirical monologue about a corrupt politician who is in love with a sandwich.

He said: “I’ve spent thousands of pounds and poured all my hopes and dreams into this performance. It will be great because I am amazing.

“I’ve already had nine five-star reviews on websites my brother set up. There will be all kinds of agents, TV producers and more than a few sexy girls in the audience.

“Best of all it’s being covered by a magazine called ComedyBuzz. I’m obviously ‘hot talent’.”

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Camerons are 'clingy holiday friends'

A HOLIDAYING couple are trying to shake off the Camerons.

43-year-old Roy Hobbs and his wife Pat met ‘David and Samantha’ two nights ago in one of Portugal’s more upmarket seafood restaurants.

Hobbs said: “We just thought they were a pleasant, slightly weird, posh couple. They’re staying near us, albeit in a bigger and more expensive place.

“When the husband, David, declined to tip because of the waiter having ‘starey eyes’, it hit me. Shit, shit, shit – it’s Camerons!

“Now they won’t fucking leave us alone.

“It’s the worst thing that’s happened to me on holiday since I got stung by a hornet.

“First they suggested going for cocktails, fair enough. Then it was breakfast – bit odd.

“Conversation was running dry by that point due to me being a plumber and not knowing any owners of countries.

“He started bragging a bit, saying ‘Which politicians do you like – because I’ve met them all.’ Whatever mate.

“My wife’s just got a text asking us if we want to meet for lunch ‘at this sweet little lamb place’.

“I might pretend to have the shits.”