Everyone secretly grateful for complete losers who write Amazon reviews

CONSUMERS agree that people who write product reviews on Amazon are pitiful losers, despite reading every single one and finding them very helpful.

Those who take the time to rate something they bought online have been confirmed as terminally pathetic saddoes, whilst simultaneously being heavily relied on by people making their own purchases.

Tom Logan said: “Anyone who gets their new kettle and then goes back onto Amazon to give it three stars and say it’s a good size but the logo rubbed off after two weeks is a total moron with too much time on their hands.

“But that doesn’t mean I don’t truly appreciate their service and have used that information to make a more informed choice. No one wants their kettle to look prematurely aged, do they?”

Emma Bradford said: “The world needs to know that the Amazon Basics USB type-C cable was ‘nothing to write home about’. I simply can’t sleep at night knowing people might buy it and expect it to be a four-star product.

“Yes, I’m very fulfilled in life, thank you.”

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Identical twins creepy and weird, says their mum

A MOTHER of identical twins has confirmed that she finds them just as profoundly weird as the rest of society does.

Emma Bradford, mother to Olly and Ben, said: “Like any sane person, I’ve always found the idea of meeting two people who look and sound exactly the same horrendously creepy.

“It’s genuinely quite scary being their parent. They finish each other’s sentences and have their own secret language. I’ve stopped dressing them the same because they end up looking like that pair from The Shining.

“I think the only thing preventing my boys from standing in front of an elevator and using the freakish symbiotic power of their minds to conjure forth a tsunami of blood is that our house doesn’t have a lift.

“The one consolation is it’s sweet watching them cuddle up in their sleep. However, I don’t think that level of interdependence is going to win them many fans in their 30s.”

When asked for comment Ben and Olly Bradford chanted in unison: “Come and play with us.”