Female body hair ‘may stop women meeting twats’

FEMALE body hair is a massive turn-off for virgins, shallow narcissists and picky twats, it has emerged.

Unless women observe strict body hair removal regimes, they may be unable to form romantic relationships with men with loads of weird psychological hang-ups.

Office worker Martin Bishop said: “Women’s bodies should be hairless, like an Action Man or newly born baby mice. Anything else just isn’t sexy.

“They are permitted a small strip of pubic hair if it’s neat and tidy, although I’m not sure who put me in charge of ladies’ vaginal areas.

“I’d never have sex with with a woman with body hair. That’s probably why I’m still a virgin aged 29, but it’s a small price to pay for never having seen a slightly hairy female armpit.”

Personal trainer Stephen Malley agreed: “Last night an incredibly sexy woman was really hitting on me, but luckily I noticed she had fine, downy hairs on her arms before we could have mindblowing sex.

“I expect all my girlfriends to be hair-free. I’m not some control freak, just a normal guy who happens to arrange the items in his fridge alphabetically and shaves his testicles every day.”

Feminist Donna Sheridan said: “I blame internet porn, but you should probably do your legs because even Guardian readers don’t want to shag a French werewolf.”

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Game of Thrones to kill off several major fans

THE next season of Game of Thrones will see the death of some of the programme’s biggest fans.

Following the bloody finale of the fifth series, in which a host of main characters were shockingly dispatched, the show’s producers have announced that several viewers will be gruesomely killed off during season six.

Creator George RR Martin said: “I’m hugely excited about it, because, as everyone knows, Game of Thrones obsessives are some of the most tedious and irritating human beings on the planet.

“To devise and oversee the murder of vast swathes of them will be great fun for me.”

Game of Thrones super-fan Julian Cook said: “It’d be awesome if I die in a really cool way, like getting torn apart by wolves or shagged to death.

“I abhor spoilers, though, so if I am scheduled to die, I don’t want to know about it until I actually see it for myself on the show. But, obviously, at that point I’ll be dead, so I’ll be unable to watch it.

“Anyway, I’m sure we can work something out.”