Corbyn in last-minute bid to be completely ignored

JEREMY Corbyn is fighting to secure the 35 nominations he needs to fail in his leadership bid.

With Andy Burnham, Yvette Cooper and Liz Kendall already confirmed as candidates to end Labour’s 115 year existence, Corbyn had hoped to be the last MP in the party to use the word ‘socialism’ in public.

Corbyn said: “I want to bring something different to the leadership debate, a sort of last-gasp, dying-of-the-light motif if you like.

“It’s one thing to know that the party’s ideals are being massacred by a procession of vaguely human-looking quotebots but to I think it’d be nice for the party faithful to actually see it happening live.

“I don’t want to pre-judge things but I reckon the last flicker of hope will go out somewhere around the seventeenth use of the phrase ‘balance the books’.”

Several MPs have suggested they will nominate Corbyn despite having no intention of backing him for leader, insisting they enjoy the idea of a ‘fair society’ in the same way as they enjoy Star Wars.

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Stupid upper class 'being excluded from factories and call centres'

STUPID, privately educated people are being sidelined from low wage jobs, it has emerged.

A survey found that almost no potential candidates who attended fee-paying schools are being hired by call centres and factories.

Researcher Julian Cook said: “Instead they are forced into the world of finance, thwarting their ambition to work with their hands or get penalised for going to the toilet.

“Some of the very stupid ones are even forced to advise other upper class people on what paintings to buy from small independent galleries.”

Oliver Hampton, an utter moron who went to the £33,000 a year Shrewsbury School, said: “I want to earn a very small salary but I can’t because of my ‘posh’ accent.

“My qualifications are much worse than the working class people in these factories. How stupid do I have to be?

“I’ll have to spend the rest of my life being head of emerging market equities at Kleinwort Benson.

“I don’t even know what that means.”