Five panic responses when your contactless card gets declined

YOUR card has been rejected. Here’s how to claw back some fiscal dignity in the ensuing blind panic.

Declare your solvency

Immediately inform everyone around that you are flush with cash. Interrupt the sales assistant trying to ask you to verify your card with your PIN by ranting about having ‘well over a thousand pounds’ in your account whilst hurriedly opening your banking app and showing anyone that cares your available funds. Which will be no one.

Feign surprise

It’s difficult to exhibit genuine surprise when you know your card might  be declined anyway. Saying things like ‘Gosh! I didn’t expect that!’ is worth a go but unlikely to fool anyone, even if you say it as if you’d found a bigfoot at the bottom of your basket.

Apportion blame

This calls for instant obnoxiousness. Your declined card isn’t your fault, the machine must be faulty. Or the assistant processed the transaction incorrectly. How hard can it be? Question everything, then ask for the manager. There’s a good chance they’ll let you and your jar of harissa go, on the grounds that it’s worth it just to get rid of you.

Take ‘Do you have another way to pay?’ literally

If asked if you have another means to pay, say your partner works for a bank and can have government-backed gilts released immediately. Alternatively you can pay using a $20,000 Bitcoin or a Millennium Falcon in its original unopened box. When the confused assistant says that’s not appropriate for a Meal Deal, pompously tell them they need to get with the times.

Become desperate

Go to any lengths to get your Muller Rice multipack. Look the assistant in the eye and say ‘See anything you like?’ or ‘I know a guy who can get really good shit’. If neither of these work put your hand in your pocket with a finger simulating a gun barrel and say it’s a robbery. As the firearms squad surround Sainsbury’s and you start taking hostages you’ll quickly forget the embarrassment of your card being declined.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Yorkshireman fined for cutting sandwich diagonally

A MAN from Batley has been given a substantial fine for cutting his bacon butty in a manner unbecoming of a Yorkshireman.

Plumber Norman Steele, 46, was today ordered to pay £600 with 120 hours of community service by a court in Halifax, with the judge describing it as ‘the worst case of a Yorkshireman getting funny ideas I have ever seen’. 

Steele’s crime was discovered by his wife when she found him in the kitchen, not under the influence of alcohol or drugs, delicately slicing a sandwich from corner to corner. 

Wife Barbara said: “I felt sick. His normal butty is a huge doorstep drowned in ketchup and eaten whole, but this was poncey wholemeal bread arranged neatly on a plate. I could tell it wasn’t the first diagonal sandwich he’d made.

“In all our years of marriage he’s been hiding a creative, sensitive side. I should have realised his head had been turned by fancy Southern ways when he wanted mayonnaise on his chips instead of gravy.

“I feel like such a fool. I’ve moved in with my parents while the divorce goes through.”

Judge Mary Fisher said: “Mr. Steele exhibited a blatant disregard for the bluff, tiresome ways of God’s Own County.

“However I rejected a custodial sentence because I believe Mr Steele was genuine in his desire to make a fresh start in life and not move on to more serious crimes such as focaccia with olives.”