Six comedy hit records that were f**king hilarious when you were eight

COMEDY songs have never been funny. However they do prove that children are idiots who’ll laugh at anything, such as these annoying tunes that blighted the charts.

Benny Hill – Ernie (The Fastest Milkman In The West)

This innuendo-laden song was somehow a Christmas number one. Benny’s dodgy bumpkin accent was a hoot for kids, while the mild smut about ‘crumpets every night’ amused the primitive adults of the 1970s. David Cameron included it in his Desert Island Discs, as if further proof of its appeal to idiots was needed.

The Goodies – The Funky Gibbon

The incredibly popular surreal comedy trio could have come up with comedy gold, but Bill Oddie wrote The Funky Gibbon instead. It’s best described as a funk spoof for toddlers, with a singsong tune and animal noises. It led to yet another ‘wacky’ comedy song performance on Top of the Pops, and strangely got airplay across the pond, where they must have loved the shite American accents. 

Chas & Dave – Rabbit

This Cockney knees-up rubbish came out in 1981 and has since been criticised for being sexist. Although ‘threatening’ might be more accurate, as ‘You won’t stop talking/ Why don’t you give it a rest?’ has a Nil By Mouth vibe to it. Luckily for Chas & Dave, most people could only remember the ultra-hilarious chorus, repeating the titular creature over and over at different speeds. It made the top ten.

Tenacious D – Tribute

Aside from the inexplicably popular ‘Weird Al’ Yankovic, not many comedy bands achieve genuine star status. Fortunately Tenacious D had Jack Black to drag the husk along. The meta-pastiche of spoken word folk rock occult tales was lost on younger listeners, but they could laugh hysterically at Black’s stupid Satan voice. Avoids the contrived dick jokes of their lower-charting tracks, but it’s still not the best song in the world or particularly funny. 

Amateur Transplants – London Underground

For young ’uns, this parody of The Jam’s classic was superb because it featured not only ‘bastard’ and ‘wanker’, but also the C-word. However as an adult it’s hard not to be taken aback by the rabidly anti-union lyrics. Turns out they were former Imperial College med students who also did a song taking the piss out of rival medical school St Barts. How we laughed. 

Crazy Frog – Axel F

2005’s viral summer hit was an anthropomorphic, trouserless biker frog singing a ringtone version of the Beverly Hills Cop theme. Naturally this humour vacuum was a joy for little turds to imitate during every waking moment. But frankly what do you expect when the character is basically called ‘The Annoying Thing’?

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BBC issues formal apology for Gary Lineker talking over sex noises

THE BBC has apologised for Gary Lineker interrupting interesting sex noises with his annoyingly matey football punditry. 

Viewers have complained about their enjoyment of pornographic moans during Match of the Day being ruined by Lineker’s banal football chat which surely cannot be worth £1.35 million.

A BBC spokesperson said: “We regret any offence caused to viewers who had the muffled sounds of orgasmic ecstasy drowned out by our former crisp salesman’s views on Wolves’ clash with Liverpool.

“His breezy, affable punditry is grating enough at the best of times, but to have him drone over a prank call of a woman getting railed is a new low for us as a broadcaster. I mean, he’s 62 and he’s still doing that ‘chirpy lad’ thing.

“A presenter as grossly overpaid as Lineker should have known to sit back, shut up, and let the groans play out unacknowledged. Instead he insisted on looking puzzled and making light of it, so we’ve had no choice but to fire him.”

Viewer Wayne Hayes said: “I let Lineker’s hypocritical stance on Qatar slide, but talking over a rare moment of interest on Match of the Day is unforgivable. Some mistakes you just can’t walk back from.”