BORIS Johnson has failed to hand over crucial WhatsApp messages, but can you blame him? You wouldn’t want these messages on your phone to see the light of day.
Your thoughts about your in-laws
Your partner’s family think you think they’re nice, decent people who you get along with really well. Imagine their crushing disappointment if your WhatsApp messages emerged. Your mother-in-law would never forgive you for calling her a shrewish harridan who cooks a shit roast, and your partner would dump you for daring to say your brother-in-law is the hotter sibling.
All the bitching about your colleagues
Everyone bitches about their co-workers on WhatsApp. It’s a safety valve that allows teams to function without killing each other. And you’ve certainly given that some thought. Red hot pokers up bottoms, firing squads, acid baths – you’ve carefully imagined how you’d go about ending each and every one of your colleagues. Even if you delete the messages now they’ll still be stored in the Cloud. It won’t look good in court, so maybe don’t murder them?
Sexts with people who ghosted you
Tampongate has got nothing on the lewd missives you typed out during bouts of arousal. Now imagine these depraved, X-rated messages splashed across the newspapers for everyone – including your gran – to see. Chilling, right? Although the most embarrassing part is how the recipient ghosted you and blocked your number shortly after you sent them.
Everything in the group named ‘the lads’/‘my best girlies’
This is where the real chat happens. In the darkest depths of WhatsApp groups where only your closest friends are able to see the real you. The you that laughs at problematic jokes you would never approve of in public. The you that shares controversial opinions that would otherwise get you cancelled in seconds. You’d better keep your head down and lead a quiet, anonymous, unsuccessful life just so this incendiary material is never revealed.
Mundane messages that prove how boring you are
Try as you might to cultivate an interesting persona via social media, your WhatsApp messages prove what an irredeemably dull sad act you actually are. Every Friday night you have a quiet evening in instead of getting shitfaced, and the majority of your exchanges are nothing more than arranging where to meet for a pleasant coffee. Even the memes you share are drearily wholesome. You’re tempted to groom someone just to be more interesting.