Five WhatsApp messages on your phone you wouldn't want to be made public

BORIS Johnson has failed to hand over crucial WhatsApp messages, but can you blame him? You wouldn’t want these messages on your phone to see the light of day.

Your thoughts about your in-laws

Your partner’s family think you think they’re nice, decent people who you get along with really well. Imagine their crushing disappointment if your WhatsApp messages emerged. Your mother-in-law would never forgive you for calling her a shrewish harridan who cooks a shit roast, and your partner would dump you for daring to say your brother-in-law is the hotter sibling.

All the bitching about your colleagues

Everyone bitches about their co-workers on WhatsApp. It’s a safety valve that allows teams to function without killing each other. And you’ve certainly given that some thought. Red hot pokers up bottoms, firing squads, acid baths – you’ve carefully imagined how you’d go about ending each and every one of your colleagues. Even if you delete the messages now they’ll still be stored in the Cloud. It won’t look good in court, so maybe don’t murder them?

Sexts with people who ghosted you

Tampongate has got nothing on the lewd missives you typed out during bouts of arousal. Now imagine these depraved, X-rated messages splashed across the newspapers for everyone – including your gran – to see. Chilling, right? Although the most embarrassing part is how the recipient ghosted you and blocked your number shortly after you sent them. 

Everything in the group named ‘the lads’/‘my best girlies’

This is where the real chat happens. In the darkest depths of WhatsApp groups where only your closest friends are able to see the real you. The you that laughs at problematic jokes you would never approve of in public. The you that shares controversial opinions that would otherwise get you cancelled in seconds. You’d better keep your head down and lead a quiet, anonymous, unsuccessful life just so this incendiary material is never revealed.

Mundane messages that prove how boring you are

Try as you might to cultivate an interesting persona via social media, your WhatsApp messages prove what an irredeemably dull sad act you actually are. Every Friday night you have a quiet evening in instead of getting shitfaced, and the majority of your exchanges are nothing more than arranging where to meet for a pleasant coffee. Even the memes you share are drearily wholesome. You’re tempted to groom someone just to be more interesting.

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What the f**k has Rishi got to hide? Six wild and libellous speculations

WAIT, so Boris wants the inquiry to see everything but Rishi’s called the lawyers in? Exactly what has the little f**ker got to hide?

He had an affair with an 18-year-old runner

It’s all the rage. Rishi came out as chancellor of the exchequer in 2019 and everyone promised to stand by him, but it’s since emerged he was having an affair with a junior runner for 11 Downing Street and lied to Holly Willoughby about it. Sceptical? It’s all detailed in Boris’ daily WhatsApps to Holly, begging for nudes.

He caused Covid

The Sunak blind trust, where Rishi keeps all his investments and which he never asks questions about, saw the smart money was in Chinese biowarfare labs and went all in. Managers demanded proof it was a viable product in return. It went a bit wrong.

He worked closely with Boris Johnson

What could be more damaging, at this point, than for a politician to be revealed as working closely with Boris Johnson? To be his right-hand man throughout the pandemic while he said ‘let the bodies pile high’ and you kept quiet about it? That’s a resignation offence.

He shopped Boris Johnson

Though being exposed as the guy who took photos of Boris at Downing Street parties and leaked them to the press wouldn’t help either. Messages from Boris like ‘The photo was taken from your f**king balcony you wanker’ and ‘I’ve got the police fining you for my birthday party, how do you like that, bitch?’ would not endear the PM to his party.

He drank the blood of children

The secret of Rishi’s boyish, youthful appearance? Snatching children off the streets, drinking their blood, harvesting their adrenochrome and chewing on handfuls of pineal glands while laughing maniacally and auctioning off the nation’s infrastructure to hostile foreign powers, would not surprise anyone at this point.

He doesn’t really believe in Brexit

Far worse than all the above, which the Daily Mail would be happy to overlook in return for him waving through Johnson’s honours list, is the reprehensible crime of not truly believing in Brexit. The mere existence of a WhatsApp in which Sunak admits that Brexit ‘is not really working out so far’ would destroy him. No wonder he’s suing his own inquiry.