ARE you unsure how to broach the subject of sex with your partner? If you want a shag you’re just going to have to bite the bullet and try these techniques.
If male, suddenly put your hand down their top. Okay, it’s not hugely romantic, but what do they expect, a f**king love sonnet? Frankly they wouldn’t want that either, because yours would be shit, eg. ‘You are nice, you’ve got nice hair/ Let’s be sexy, not sit on chairs.’
Use appalling euphemisms
If you don’t want to confront the issue directly, try euphemisms. Be warned – they aren’t great. ‘Fancy some nookie?’ makes you sound like Boris Johnson, and ‘Shall we make the beast with two backs?’ suggests you’re about to summon a demonic entity.
Fiddle with their ear
Nuzzle it, kiss it, whisper in it. This is romantic. Fact. If for some strange reason they say ‘WILL YOU STOP F**KING DOING THAT?’ then maybe they’re not in the mood and 20 minutes was too long.
Have it scheduled in advance
We all lead busy lives these days, blah blah blah, so have your romantic time planned. Then all you have to do is produce your diary and inform your partner they’re obligated to have sex with you tonight, like an annoyed landlord telling them the rent’s overdue.
Steer the conversation toward sex
It’s not a huge leap from talking about sex to doing it. Unless you put your partner off with your usual collection of gruesome ‘interesting facts’, eg. ‘Did you know male cats have spikes in their cocks? That’s why lady cats scream so much.’
Point out there’s nothing on TV
…and you should get an early night. It’s not very flattering, suggesting sex with you is a last-ditch activity only preferable to watching Traffic Cops Birmingham, but you will have a shag. Unless your partner is very literal-minded and flosses then instantly goes to sleep.
If you’re one of those horribly twee lovey-dovey couples, use some of your vile baby-talk, eg. ‘Does Mr Wobbly want to go down the Magic Tunnel?’ If neither of you vomits uncontrollably you were clearly meant to be together.
Cook a romantic meal
This places sex firmly on the evening’s agenda, so it’s impossible not to shag if you do two things. 1. Stick to M&S meals-for-two with clear instructions that only a cretin could f**k up, and 2. Don’t stuff your face until sex would require some sort of pulley mechanism.
Watch sexy TV
In theory your partner’s head will be filled with thoughts of sex, but there isn’t a cornucopia of filth to choose from at the moment. Naked Attraction is as sexy at browsing the raw chicken in Asda, so they’re more likely to fancy a couple of drumsticks than a shag. Love Island is marginally better, but only if you can stomach what feels like an eternity of: ‘Hayley-Marie is, like, leng, yeah? But she is, like, well fake…’
Try a bold, filmic line
In films, characters aggressively say things like ‘Let’s f**k!’ and steamy sex ensues. If it works in crap erotic thrillers with Sharon Stone it’s sure to work in real life, and definitely won’t be met with confusion and/or hysterical laughter.