Women over 40 having sex, and other things TV is so, so proud of itself for

TV is unquestionably more representative these days. But sometimes it’s hard to appreciate it over the sound of the creators wanking themselves off over how great they are. As with these examples.

Women over 40 having sex

You mean they still do it? Weird. How? For some reason prejudice-smashing over-40 female sex goes on much longer than any other sex scene you’ve ever witnessed. And is more graphic. Why? Be careful, the only response allowed is ‘Because it’s beautiful’.

Prized supporting roles for ethnic minorities

If real life mirrored TV, everyone from an ethnic minority background would have a white friend who anything important happens to. It doesn’t matter that TV people of colour are all in ancillary roles (protagonist’s therapist, neighbour, love interest’s best friend) or they’re pretty two-dimensional, because the promotional images will look great.

Actors that look ‘real’

This means people who would still be really hot if you saw them in real life, but don’t quite reach the pinnacle of actor good looks, or haven’t had all imperfections removed by a plastic surgeon. Granted, they’ll only ever be given roles like corrupt policemen or alcoholic nurses, but that’s not the point. They’re real.

Wise poor people

He’s 13, living in a council flat, but can quote Charles Dickens verbatim in his thick Scouse accent? Wow. It’s very profound, because otherwise you would have carried on assuming all working-class people were stupid. Yes, it’s hugely unrealistic so it’s not really challenged any prejudices, but well done us! 

Women in general

Women are great because you can make an empowering montage and put it on social media to show just how far girl power has brought us. It doesn’t matter if the role doesn’t really advance the cause of women in any way, eg. a worried mum, a prostitute, or an animated dog. She’s a feisty animated dog!

A character calling out prejudice

Often set up with a contrived situation so the protagonist can deliver a stilted monologue on how this is wrong, actually. More commonly, the prejudice is something no normal person thinks, eg. racism is good. Better make space on the mantlepiece for all those Baftas!

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Burgers in brioche buns: Current wanky culinary trends that are f**king awful

NOBODY actually wants to eat a burger in what is essentially cake, so why do restaurants think it’s a good idea? They should stop serving this other bollocks too:

Burgers in brioche buns

Aside from the fact that brioche simply cannot retain the meat, cheese, pickles, bacon, mayo, relish, jalapenos, tomato, beetroot, lettuce and all the other nonsense that instantly falls out of a burger nowadays, it tastes sweet and has the consistency of pannetone. Stick with cheap white buns with sesame seeds. You’re not Heston f**king Blumenthal.

Truffle chips

In the olden days you just got chips on a plate but now they’re covered in all sorts of shit, from parmesan to chilli salt to cajun seasoning. The worst of the lot is chips covered in truffle, whether oil or shavings, because it tastes like arse but nobody wants to be the wretched, unsophisticated plebeian who admits to quite liking normal chips.

Bubble tea

What the f**k even is this? Who thought mixing milk with fruit juice and then putting snot-like globules of tapioca in it would be a good idea? It’s the sort of vile concoction you’d have made when playing ‘experiments’ in the kitchen as a kid. Except there’s a shop on your road now dedicated to selling this, and they’re making a mint.

Non-alcoholic gin

Gin only becomes a palatable drink when mixed with tonic, so why bother faffing around with it when it won’t even get you pissed? You could have a lovely, refreshing glass of Sprite or Fanta Lemon instead, and you wouldn’t be left worrying about the wisdom of drinking jewellery cleaner. 

Variations on macaroni cheese

The whole point of macaroni cheese is that it’s the most bog-standard, basic bitch meal out there. So when people start adding things like porcini mushrooms, prosciutto, chilli, lobster or sodding cauliflower, all it achieves is turning a perfectly serviceable dish into a load of pretentious bollocks. Don’t get us started on the suddenly-popular American phrase ‘mac and cheese’. You may as well start saying you’re driving your Chevy to the levy when you’re popping to Asda in a Fiat Punto.