Five things you are never too old to do if you're a male celebrity with shitloads of cash

WITH no biological clock to follow, rich male celebrities can do whatever they want at any time of life. Including these things ladies and pathetic normal men can only dream of.

Bang someone decades younger than them

It doesn’t matter if you’re pushing 90, if you’ve done some mega-hit movies and have an endless supply of money then you can still pull a stunner in their 20s. People will barely comment on it too. In fact they’ll secretly hope they can do the same in their twilight years. Sadly, no postman, accountant or IT support guy has ever done this.

Have a kid well into their 80s

Whereas the chance of a woman getting pregnant rapidly declines after 45, a celebrity’s sperms continue to swim along happily well into their 80s, although their ranks may be a bit thinned out. This means senior male stars can sire offspring who will barely have any memories of them except footage from a film shot f**king ages ago. Not too bad if it’s Goodfellas, not a great father-son experience if it’s Big Momma’s House 2.  

Barely do any work

Cranked out loads of great movies in your younger years? It’s time to kick back, relax, and do f**k all. Thanks to the star power of your name alone, you’ve likely amassed enough money to last a few dozen lifetimes. You only need to occasionally get out of bed for something like The Irishman because buying superyachts and condos gets a bit repetitive after a while.

Let your body go to shit

The entertainment industry holds women to a punishing standard, but men are free to pile on the pounds, let their toned physiques atrophy, and grow out a mop of unkempt hair. At worst they’ll be accused of having dad bods, whereas the faintest trace of cellulite on a woman’s thigh is labelled a tragic shame. With the worrying undertone that it might be time for Monica Bellucci, Halle Berry, etc. to be put down.

Continue to be universally adored

So what if you’re 83 and you’ve got a 29-year-old up the duff? That’s just a sign of how virile and manly you are. You should be celebrated for your ejaculatory skills as well as your strengths as an actor. Thank God you’re not a sluttish cougar ensnaring a toyboy a couple of months younger than her. That’s unnatural, unlike shagging someone younger than your granddaughter because you pretended to be in the Mafia.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Poor Amazon stands in front of UK taxpayers with turned-out pockets and cap in hand

THE poverty-stricken multinational corporation Amazon once again stands before taxpayers barefoot and in rags, begging for a handout.

Trembling in fear and hunger, the business, which despite working every hour God sends earned a mere $524.89 billion last year, needs just a little rebate from HMRC to tide it over.

Amazon said: “I know I promised I’d pay tax this year, sir, I know I did, but what with inflation and and import costs and all this infrastructure investment I’m making I haven’t got two pennies to rub together, sir, and that’s the honest truth.

“With all these subsidiaries to feed, syphoning off anything that even looks like turning a profit to Luxembourg, and strikes in the warehouses, well if you pardon my frankness, sir, I’m on the bones of me arse.

“Can’t you see it in your heart to find just a little tax credit to keep the wolf from the door? Just a measly £7.7 million I can offset against future profits? Next year, sir, next year for sure.

“Oh thank you sir, God bless you for your kindness. Why, if it weren’t for gents like you me kids would have to go to bed without any corporate subsidies. I won’t pass a single penny of it onto suppliers, sir, I promise you that!”

British taxpayers firmly closed the door before another knock, a moment later, revealed the dirty, unkempt figure of Apple cringing on the doorstep, grubby hand outstretched.