47-year-old man dating 28-year-old woman to be in age-appropriate relationship

A 47-YEAR-OLD man has started dating a 28-year-old woman to avoid an embarrassingly large age difference.

Company director Wayne Hayes feels Nikki Hollis shares his interests and outlook due to being in the same age bracket, give or take a decade or two, and only gets mistaken for his oldest, not youngest, daughter. 

Divorcé Hayes said: “Sooner or later you have to grow up a bit, accept your days chasing 20-year-olds are over and start dating a woman who hasn’t just left school. 

“Obviously I have to put up with Nikki’s very slight wrinkles, future grey hairs and fractionally less pert breasts, but she makes up for it in terms of life experience. And she’s probably grateful for any male attention at her age.

“I don’t want to be the embarrassing middle-aged man dancing with a young girl in a nightclub, I want to be the embarrassing middle-aged man making forced references to his younger partner in all social situations.

“I’m not used to dating older women, so I suppose I’ll have to get used to whatever Nikki’s interests are. Knitting, jam-making, the Women’s Institute.

“It’s worth it because we’re both interested in a serious relationship. Unless she wants marriage or kids, of course, in which case she’s dumped.” 

Hollis said: “I like Wayne but I think we might be too different. Who’s Floella Benjamin, by the way? Is she one of Wayne’s exes?”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

I love you, Phillip. There, I've said it. By Eamonn Holmes

I’VE taken a long, hard at my behaviour recently, and I can reach only one conclusion: I love you, Phillip, and we should get married.

I know you must be thinking ‘Hang on, wasn’t Eamonn slagging me off like I was Jimmy Savile yesterday?’ But any psychologist will tell you it’s a textbook case of unrequited love being sublimated into irrational hate. 

Yes, my unhinged rants reeking of sour grapes by an egotistical D-list celebrity all make perfect sense now. And the fact is, I am truly, madly, deeply in love with you.

So why did I not tell you sooner? Perhaps I felt unworthy of a colossus of daytime TV like you. You have reshaped broadcasting forever, from your groundbreaking use of a puppet gopher to This Morning’s philanthropic offer to let the poor win their electricity bill by calling a premium-rate phone line.

Perhaps I was intimidated by your good looks. The mischievous sparkle in your eye or your immaculate silver hair which is the only hint that you are, actually, pretty f**king old. 

Perhaps I was jealous of your young lover when I saw you caught on cameraphone in a pub. How I wish it could have been me with you in that terminally awkward moment.

But that’s all in the past. Now I’ve discovered my true feelings we must be together. We can take things slowly at first, and let’s face it, you’re not exactly going to be snowed under with job offers for the foreseeable future. 

Obviously I’m not up to speed on the whole gayness thing, so I’ll need a bit of mentoring with that. I’ve tried listening to Judy Garland albums and that wasn’t too bad, so I’m ready to move on to bottom sex, buying a chihuahua and learning Polari. All I’ve got to do is text Ruth to let her know I’m a gay now and we can start our new life as Mr and Mr Holmes.

I even reckon I can wangle us a big showbiz wedding like Elton John. GB News say they’ll pay for a Victoria sponge and some sausage rolls if we exchange vows live on air. It’s a bit different to their usual stance on LGBT+ issues, but they’re prepared to bend the rules for anything that might get more than 30 viewers.

So call me as soon as you can, my love. When we’re together you’ll look back on this difficult chapter in your life and realise every cloud has a silver lining. Yes. That’s definitely what you’ll think.