French Scientists In Flubber Breakthrough

A TEAM of French scientists is claiming a major breakthrough in the development of a useable type of flubber.

The researchers synthesised a flubber-like substance and were then able to stabilise it for almost six hours before it bounced out the window.

Professor Guy Delafarge said: "Zis is ze first time we have been able to stabilise a substance which is, how you say, 'floobberie'

"During ze stabilisation period we were able to manipulate it in ways which could, ultimately, have everyday applications, such as draft exclusion or love making.

"However ze substance remains, how you say, ticklish and too much contact will make it bounce around ze room, destroying many glass beakers and test tubes and causing everyone to duck."

A useable strain of flubber has been the Holy Grail for chemists since the substance was discovered in the 1950s.

But flubber's unstable nature led to a series of accidents and by 1970 the vast majority of 'flubboratories' had been closed down.

Testing restarted five years ago when French chemists found that adding small amounts of friendly bacteria could induce short periods of calm in a medium-sized blob.

Professor Delafarge added: "Zis was an important breakthrough, but ze question remains: Can we ever really tame floobber?"

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Chinese Food 'Insufficiently Cheese-Ridden', Say Americans

US athletes will take their own food to the Beijing Olympics after discovering the Chinese diet is alarmingly cheese-free.

The US team said they were appalled at the Chinese tradition of not using cheese, or at least artificial cheese, at every stage of the cooking process.

The American team diet will instead focus on the three main food groups: Cheese encrusted, cheese injected and cheese plated.

US team manager Tom Logan said: "As I looked through the brochure from the caterers, I just kept sayin' to myself, 'where in the hell is the goddamn cheese?'

"These goddamn spooks is askin' me to bring my boys half way round the world to eat a duck in a goddamn pancake? Sons o' bitches!"

He addded: "I ain't got no problem eatin' a broiled dog, a live eel or even a bucket full o' snakes, but for God sakes people, let's cheese it up!"

Meanwhile the Chinese have dismissed accusations of a fiendish plot to poison the athletes' food with illegal steroids.

Olympic official Li Feng said: "Chinese only use poison in traditional way – by tipping small amount into drink from special ring, then waving bottle of antidote in front of victim and laughing while they grab at throat and fall off chair. Aha ha ha!"