Put Up The Price Of Everything, Says Tesco

TESCO is demanding the government brings in tough new measures to increase the price of everything, its chief executive said last night. 

Sir Terry Leahy said legislation was necessary to double or treble the cost of all things in shops, except for wages which were already high enough.

He said the low cost of eggs was fuelling an egg frenzy across the nation, making many town centres no-go areas at the weekend because of binge-scrambling.

"No one is against the responsible use of eggs, one or two a day with meals, but we're now seeing an alarming rise in the number of young people who are making their own mayonnaise."

Sir Terry said he was also shocked to discover that chocolate milk was only 20% more expensive than ordinary milk.

"Before long people will be adding chocolate milk to their tea. Is that the sort of society you want?" 

He added: "If we continue to sell DVD players for £14.99, people will quickly lose respect for the art of cinema. The government needs to act now – what about £149.99? I like that one. It's got gravitas."

Meanwhile Britain's £100,000 a year GPs have called for a massive increase in the price of alcohol to decrease its consumption by everyone else.

Dr Wayne Hayes, a GP from Dundee, said he found it hard to buy a bottle of Talisker single malt whisky in Tesco last weekend because the drinks section was full of 'ordinary people' buying Australian shiraz at £4.99.

He added: "I wouldn't put that on my chips. Why don't they just inject themselves with heroin?"

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British Gas Links Profit Rise To Massive Price Increases

BRITISH Gas has said its 500% increase in profits is the result of charging people much more money to buy gas.

Unveiling its annual results, the company insisted the £480 million profit jump vindicated its strategy of making it a lot more expensive to cook food and keep warm.

Tom Logan, the company's head of external relations, said: "Our senior management team spent 18 months looking at a range of options until someone suggested just putting all the prices up.

"It was a real 'eureka' moment. The finance director was dancing around the boardroom, swigging champagne from the bottle and shouting 'I love gas! I love gas!'. Happy days."

Roy Hobbs, from the Gas Consumers Council, said: "I remember saying to people at the time, I said, 'see all these price increases, yeah? Well that's going to result in much bigger profits for all these companies'.

"I said, 'if they charge you a lot more money for the stuff you are buying, it means they will have a lot more money left over after they have paid all their costs'."
Mr Logan added: "If our customers are unhappy with the current price structure, I would simply remind them that we operate within a free market.

"There is absolutely nothing to prevent them from setting up their own gas company. I suggest they grab a spade."