Giving kids screen time less harmful than putting up with their shit, agree parents

PARENTS have agreed that giving children screen time is less harmful than having to interact with them.

After being advised by paediatricians not to worry about screen time, parents laughed heartily and said the only alternative was putting up with their kids’ constant nonsense.

Father-of-two Martin Bishop said: “Were it not for the iPad I’d be subjected to endless, mindless conversations about where rain comes from and my son Jack’s tedious invisible friend Felix.

“Or worse, my daughter Suzi demanding I pretend to be a horse until I’m half dead from exhaustion. I’m surprised doctors didn’t recommend increasing screen time for their own good.

“Obviously there’s a risk kids will visit unsuitable websites full of porn or order a bomb off the Dark Web, but that’s preferable to me having to pretend to talk to a bloody doll for 45 minutes.

“Am I a great parent? No. Is the iPad? Probably. It’s Apple after all.”

Five-year-old Jack Bishop said: “Sometimes me and daddy play a game called ‘How long can Jack stay on the iPad?’. I did 11 hours yesterday.”

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How to remember what your crappy job is

ARE you back at work but struggling to remember what you’re meant to be doing? Read our guide and find out.

What can you see?
If there’s a little TV with a plastic typewriter underneath, you probably work in an office. Sadly it’s not a proper TV and only shows ‘Microsoft Office’, although that’s increasingly more interesting than The Walking Dead.

If you’re surrounded by people in yellow hats you could work in construction. If you’re wearing a helmet inside a kind of glass dome you may be a fighter pilot. For fuck’s sake don’t press any buttons.

Is anyone flirting with you?
This could mean you work in an office with potential for romance. However, if you are just wearing a tiny thong and high heels you may be a lapdancer. Find out what ‘extras’ are before agreeing to anything.

How many legs have your co-workers got?
If it’s just two that suggests you work in admin, retail or the service sector. If it’s four you probably work on a farm or in an abattoir. Don’t get too attached to any of your ‘colleagues’, no matter how attractive they are.

Do people keep sending you weird electronic messages?
Again, evidence that you work in an office, particularly if the messages are workspeak bullshit, eg. “Great meeting. Totally across it re. new drainpipe catalogue. Jo and Suzanne really running some blue skies thinking up the flagpole as ever! I’ll be actioning all week. Jeff.”

Is everyone shorter than you?
A sure sign that you are a primary school teacher, particularly if they sometimes ask for help going to the toilet. Another possibility is that you are Willy Wonka. Check to see if your workplace contains a chocolate river and a badly designed, potentially lethal air conditioning system. What you and the Oompa Loompas do outside work hours is your business.

Is everyone around you worthless scum who don’t deserve a second of your precious time?
You are a bus driver.