Man who's been doing Dry January for four days can't understand why he's still fat

A MAN who has been off the booze since the early hours of 1st January is baffled as to why he is still overweight.

Tom Booker, who spent New Year’s Eve drunkenly explaining how much he was looking forward to not drinking, has strangely not yet seen any benefits of Dry January.

Booker said: “Constantly consuming alcohol has turned me into a flabby, pale blob so I thought stopping would quickly reverse the process and turn me into that bloke who plays Thor.

“But it appears I was lied to. I haven’t lost any weight, even though I spent the best part of New Year’s Day vomiting up a combination of prosecco and Wotsits.

“I don’t know why everyone thinks Dry January is a good thing. All my friends say it’ll make me feel amazing, but I just feel depressed and chubby.

“I can’t even get pissed to cheer myself up. Frankly not drinking to excess and gorging on late-night snacks feels like a retrograde step.”

Alcohol specialist Dr Emma Bradford said: “This is most unusual. You should instantly lose a stone after going a day without booze, or at least feel you have.”  


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Six New Year's sex tips I have cranked out for money

By TV sex therapist Nikki Hollis

WE all want a great sex life in 2019, so here are some sizzling sex tips I’ve clunkily managed to link to the New Year.

Get ‘saucy’ with the leftovers

Goose fat makes an excellent sensual massage oil, or try licking leftover onion sauce off each other. For a more filling erotic experience, add some trifle and cold sprouts.

Make ‘great sex’ one of your New Year’s resolutions

‘Great sex’ should definitely be on your list, certainly above ‘clean out the hamster cage’. But how to enter this world of non-stop, mind-blowing orgasms? Here’s my advice gleaned from years of in-depth sex knowledge:

Schedule a time for your lovemaking when you won’t be interrupted. Yeah. That’s it. I know I put this in every article I write but I’m a TV sex therapist, not Albert fucking Einstein.

New Year is a time for new things

By which I mean tickling each other with feathers or doing it with the lady on top. I’m not actually going to suggest living out your most depraved fantasies because I’ve got a regular gig with the Daily Mail.

Lose that Christmas flab with sex

Amazing sex fact: sex uses up 100 calories for men and 69 for women, so you only need 35-50 shags to lose a pound of fat! I’m feeling horny just thinking about it.

If you’re single and don’t have a partner to mechanistically pork until you get slimmer, go for a five-mile run and have a romantic wank when you get back.

Stock up on sex toys in the January sales

With the Christmas rush over, now’s a great time to go online and get some bargain dildos, vaginal eggs and butt plugs. They’re even cheaper if you buy secondhand.

Buy my DVD, Happy New Yeargasm  

Admittedly it’s the same bleeding obvious advice I give all year round but please buy it or I’ll stop getting invited on This Morning.