Global Warming Will Make Statues Come To Life, Say Experts

RISING CO2 levels will cause statues to come to life and wreak blood-thirsty revenge on their human tormentors, scientists warned today.

According to climatologists at Dundee University, increased CO2 levels will bring about a quantum shift in the molecular structure of statues and within a few years they will undergo a process known as de-statufication.

The experts believe the statues will then break free of their plinths, destroy or enslave their captors and take over the planet.

Professor Bill McKay said: "Statues have no soul. They do not know what it is to love. Therefore they will seek to destroy all that is not a statue. This is quite worrying.

"The last thing we need is a 20ft tall cast-iron Richard the Lionheart rampaging up Whitehall, or a puritanical Oliver Cromwell going on a killing spree and then banning musical theatre.

"In a bizarre twist Mel Gibson could find himself being torn limb from limb by the statue of him as William Wallace in Braveheart. In which case, it's not all bad."

Professor McKay called for the immediate destruction of all statues, adding: "I don't want to be standing in a pile of smouldering rubble surrounded by hysterical commuters saying 'I told you so'."

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Boffins Invent Self-Hoovering Floor

SCIENTISTS at Dundee University have patented what they claim is the world's first self-hoovering floor.

The ingenious device, backed by a £20m grant from Scottish Enterprise, looks like an ordinary floor but has thousands of small holes which are attached to a powerful vacuum motor stored in a cupboard.

At the flick of a switch the suction starts and anything within a five centimetre radius of each hole is removed quickly and cleanly.

Project director Dr Henry Brubaker said his team were now fixing the remaining few glitches in the system.

 "The main problem at the moment is that you have to leave the room when it's switched on otherwise you'll be stuck to the floor.

"We've also noticed that larger objects get stuck in the holes and this produces a noise that makes you want to die."

He added: "We're currently working with carpet manufacturers so that the holes in the carpets line up with the holes in the floor."

A Scottish Enterprise spokesman said: "This is a great investment. Within a few years anyone who doesn't have a self-hoovering floor will be shunned by decent society and forced to live under a bridge."