Greedy people have more stuff, say experts

PEOPLE who want lots of stuff are more likely to have it than people who are not really that bothered, scientist have claimed.

Psychologists at the University of California found that wealthy people had a habit of wanting money and would actively do things in order to acquire it.

Research director Paul Piff said: “It seems that rich people have become rich by being greedy and developing strategies to get the things they want, while poor people may have entertained the idea of having lots of money but then decided not to do anything about it.

“This has led to a situation where some people have more things than other people.”

Dr Piff said the results now raise the possibilty that human beings are animals with some sort of ‘survival instinct’.

But the research was dismissed by the International Association of Wealthy Individuals who invited Dr Piff to their mahogany-lined study for a glass of whisky and a quiet chat to see if they could sort out this silly mess.

A spokesman said: “You and I are men of the world, Dr Piff. Tell me what I can do to make this little problem go away.”

Meanwhile, the study also concluded that all rich people are exactly the same as Terry-Thomas in Monte Carlo or Bust.

Dr Piff added: “We studied traffic at an intersection and found that people in expensive cars are 73% more likely to have a contraption fitted to the back which spews out oil in a bid to make driving condition treacherous for Tony Curtis and Susan Hampshire.

“And more than 60% get Eric Sykes to do their dirty work for them.”


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Doherty asked for seven more pints of artwork

BOHEMIAN-impersonator Pete Doherty has been inundated with requests for more of his art, especially if it involves an organ.

The latest exhibition from the celebrated hat wearer was declared an immediate hit among collectors of overpriced scabs and people who like the idea of Doherty’s blood pressure plummeting.

Nikki Hollis, an enthusiast, said “I’ve always loved the fresco method of applying the medium directly to plaster and would happily help Pete smear his face across my living room wall.

“And thanks to his constant use of the word ‘Albion’, like some Aldi William Blake, I would like to pay £5,000 to extract a mural out of him for my hallway.”

Doherty’s life and work have often been compared to Charles Baudelaire and Albert Camus by people who do not know who either of these people are but want pale, skinny art school girls to have sex with them.

He said he was inspired to create the works for his current exhibition after a dream he had in which Ray Davies and Pete Shelley promised to break all of his fingers if he ever went near a guitar again.

Art critics are divided, with some denouncing it as the sophomoric dabbling of a bored dilettante while another was arrested with a can of petrol and a box of matches insisting he must ‘purge the world of a junkie’s drip-trays selling for two grand a pop’.

But Hollis urged Doherty to continue, adding: “What I’d really like to see is a collaboration between Pete and Ed Sheeran, with the pair of them pissing blood over the canvas like Jackson Pollock having a seizure.”