Millions back removal of dirty hippies with whom they are in complete agreement

PEOPLE across Britain have applauded the forced removal of smelly hippies who believe exactly the same things as they do.

As police cleared the Occupy London site at St Paul’s Cathedral, millions of people who think bankers are horrid urged police to truncheon the filthy scum who have spent the last 100 days highlighting the horridness of bankers.

Tom Logan, from Hatfield, said: “I don’t know who I hate most – the bank that sent my business to the wall while awarding huge bonuses to its failing management or the human sewage who have been pointing out what a fucking disgrace that is.

“Look at them, with their hair.”

Helen Archer, from Stevenage, added: “Being angry about banks should be done as quietly as possible. Preferably inside one’s own head. If George Osborne could read my thoughts then I suspect things would change overnight.

“Kill them all!”

Margaret Gerving, a retired headmistress from Guildford, said: “Why aren’t the police using a machine gun on that young man who is praying? I thought this was supposed to be a Christian country.

“Would you like to see my feet? They’ve gone blue.”

The clearance of the site means tourists will once again be able to enter St Paul’s and think selectively about Jesus while admiring the underside of a reasonably large dome.



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JK Rowling to rewrite NHS bill

THE government’s flagship NHS bill is to be rewritten for adults by JK Rowling.

The new version will get rid of boring competition between primary care trusts in favour of magical colour-changing lizards that diagnose cancer, enchanted mops and buckets that clean wards on their own. And necromancy.

The new bill also advocates dividing the Royal College of Physicians into four different houses, one of which is proudly evil, and employing a talking surgical mask and gown to rule in cases of medical malpractice.

Rowling said: “The NHS is a wonderful institution in need of fresh ideas, just like Hogwarts® before a certain Harry Potter® enrolled at the school®.

“How about enchanted syringes that fly to patients and inject them? Or owl nurses? Or proctological examinations performed by a magic wand?”

Critics of the scheme say that spells like Vulnera Sanentur have no counterparts in the real world, though they did see the value of A&E departments staffed by mountain trolls to deal with Saturday night woundings pissed up on butterbeer.

David Cameron said: “Like me, the nation’s favourite writer thinks the NHS is broken. And like me, she believes it can be fixed by magic.

“Those sceptics who say minotaur doctors controlling their own budgets with the help of thousands of bewitched accountant worms are unworkable need to open their minds to new solutions.”

The bill will also include 116 excruciating pages about Andrew Lansley winning a Quidditch tournament.