Transport for London unveils state-of-the-art passengers

TRANSPORT for London has unveiled the capital’s new breed of innovative, non-insane public transport passenger.

Transport for London has spent over £240 million on creating thousands of better quality travellers – known as Passengers Plus – from high quality genetic materials.

The project was launched after customer feedback revealed the worst thing about public transport was having to share it with demented, frantically-scrabbling bastards all of whom exist on a spectrum of hostility from ‘passive aggressive’ to ‘carrying a severed head in a bag’.

A TfL spokesman said: “The main problem with the old passengers was not their physical appearance or bodily aroma – challenging though they may be – but their bastardry.

“With their combination of blank-eyed stares and determination to get onto the already-teeming train or bus regardless of the human cost, they appeared simultaneously bored and murderous – ‘borederous’, if you will.

“The Petri dish-created Passengers Plus are 94% more courteous without being irritatingly cheerful.

“They have the manners and demeanour of an elderly person, but are less saggy.”

As a bonus feature, Passengers Plus also has inbuilt weaponry.

The TfL spokesman added: “Let’s say the gentleman sitting opposite you is playing Tinchy Stryder through his mobile phone speaker while loudly masticating a Haribo in a half-arsed attempt to be intimidating.

“A Passenger Plus would place a single finger against that man’s temple, firing a deadly retractable bolt like the ones they use to do pigs in slaughterhouses. It will then return to quietly reading the Metro.”


Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Redknapp shows England credentials with abject capitulation

Spurs boss gears up for England role after mid-season hubris is followed by inevitable 5-2 humping.