TRANSPORT for London has unveiled the capital’s new breed of innovative, non-insane public transport passenger.
Transport for London has spent over £240 million on creating thousands of better quality travellers – known as Passengers Plus – from high quality genetic materials.
The project was launched after customer feedback revealed the worst thing about public transport was having to share it with demented, frantically-scrabbling bastards all of whom exist on a spectrum of hostility from ‘passive aggressive’ to ‘carrying a severed head in a bag’.
A TfL spokesman said: “The main problem with the old passengers was not their physical appearance or bodily aroma – challenging though they may be – but their bastardry.
“With their combination of blank-eyed stares and determination to get onto the already-teeming train or bus regardless of the human cost, they appeared simultaneously bored and murderous – ‘borederous’, if you will.
“The Petri dish-created Passengers Plus are 94% more courteous without being irritatingly cheerful.
“They have the manners and demeanour of an elderly person, but are less saggy.”
As a bonus feature, Passengers Plus also has inbuilt weaponry.
The TfL spokesman added: “Let’s say the gentleman sitting opposite you is playing Tinchy Stryder through his mobile phone speaker while loudly masticating a Haribo in a half-arsed attempt to be intimidating.
“A Passenger Plus would place a single finger against that man’s temple, firing a deadly retractable bolt like the ones they use to do pigs in slaughterhouses. It will then return to quietly reading the Metro.”